give me strength!

after a really fun-filled 2-3 days of dealing with the stomach flu, I woke up today with a horrendous head cold.

being sick while pregnant is so crappy! i miss my cold drugs!

i'm starting to seriously wonder if i will make it through this entire pregnancy without losing my job. i missed thurs/fri last week (and i've already used up my sick days for 2007 - though really, who only is sick 5 days/year!??!?). i'm plugging away at work today but honestly, i should be home in bed. my concentration level sucks, and i'm probably making everyone miserable. i'm trying to hang in there, but whenever i look at the calendar and see that i have 6 months to go, i get overwhelmed with anxiety and fatigue.

my initial plan was to work up until may 1st. technically, i'm allowed to go on mat leave as early as 3 months prior to my due date. i wanted to work as late as possible for financial reasons, and for work-related reasons. however, now i'm thinking that maybe i should give myself at least a month to prepare. and rest.

here's a really, really sad story.

ian had a call this past weekend, and it was for a spontaneous abortion. which is what they call a miscarriage after 12 weeks. poor, poor ian. he said (this is sort of graphic) that when he first walked in, he could see the little feet. isn't that AWFUL? he actually froze. his partner would have taken over but he had to administer the morphine, so ian actually had to take care of the delivery. 14 weeks.

it did not escape ian's notice that i am nearly 14 weeks pregnant. same as this poor woman. ian is pretty haunted by the experience. while i feel sad for the woman, i also know that in most instances, these things happen because there is something "wrong" with the baby. i try not to think about. i put my faith in something greater, and trust that everything happens for a reason.

otherwise, i'd go crazy. there are times when i think, i have two perfectly healthy (so far!) kids, why push it by trying for a third? who is to say that our luck will hold? but really, i can't live my life that way, with so much fear. so instead, i just have to have a little faith.

anyways, sorry for the sad and somewhat gruesome story, but i just can't imagine what ian's going through. poor guy.

much happier news - today is my good friend Jill's due date! she has been through so much before and during this pregnancy (including a stubborn baby who decided to stay breech until the very, very last possible moment before turning!), i am so excited that she has made it through it all. hopefully baby Camwell won't make them wait too much longer! I wouldn't wish an induction on my worst enemy - although no matter how things go, the end result is always worth it. but i know how much a natural birth means to her, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed that baby will come on his own.

sometimes i wish i could go back and be a first time mom all over again. it was such a sweet experience. of course, i wish i could go back, knowing what i know now! isn't that just the way it always is!

i also found out that one of my previous flute students is due the day before i am. congrats Trista!

and of course, our friends Mel and Murray are due to have their first (a girl) in December.

i also have some suspicions regarding a few other friends, but i will wait until they announce any news before i do!


i found out today that my OB accidentally filled out my u/s requisition form incorrectly. she had put the dates as Nov-15-Nov30 for me to have it done... so of course i called to make an appointment... and they pointed out to me that i would only be 14-16 weeks along at that point. so, i have to call back and schedule it for late december. it will be a christmas present for us i guess!

most recent development - i have started nesting. finally put some pictures up in the basement, and started creating different areas for play. made a schedule for each day (long story) for the kids, started to clean out my closet. have decided to re-paint our room (scarlet was a great idea and i loved it... for a month. back to a brighter, lighter colour now). went through all of the kids clothing, figuring out what we would need for the winter.

this is ian's second favourite part of me being pregnant. i get more done in the last 2 trimesters than i typically do in a year. i've been looking forward to it myself for a few months. christmas is a great time to nest.

ok, i should actually work. more later!

I wasn't expecting...

this so early!

I wasn't certain this morning, but since it has been consistant all day, I am certain now that I am feeling baby move already. I wasn't expecting it for another few weeks, although I have heard that with each subsequent pregnancy, you can feel it earlier and earlier.

It's pretty nice. There's always the fear towards the end of the first trimester - your symptoms start to disappear, and yet you can't feel baby move. With Cohen I actually rented a fetal doppler, so that I could check for the heartbeat whenever I wanted. With Lili I meant to, but never got around to it. This time, I am putting my trust in some higher power that things will be ok. Regardless, it is nice to be able to feel the little flutters this early. Puts my mind at ease a little bit.

I'm also showing. A lot. Although I haven't gained any weight in the last few weeks, (thank GOD), today I caught my reflection in the window and burst out laughing. I look 6 months pregnant already! Too funny. Guess I need to make room in the budget for some mat clothes.

13 weeks!

13 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow. Ian and I haven't mentioned the baby in weeks. This is what happens after your first! No time to worry about a baby that hasn't yet arrived.

Experiencing some interesting cravings and aversions - I'm anti-strawberry ice cream, but can't get enough watermelon. Actually, can't get enough of fruit salad - fresh blueberries, strawberries, watermelon and banana. YUM. Also have been craving red meat - specifically, Harvey's burgers. No others, just Harveys. Which is very strange, but may have something to do with the large pickles. Too funny.

Cohen told me today that if I have a girl, he's never going to come home again. Funny, I'm pretty sure that is nearly the exact same thing that my brother told my mom when she was pregnant with me!

You know what I do love - I love that this baby is due in the spring. I look forward to the spring anyways, and this just makes it that much sweeter.
Oooooo headache, gotta stop.

duck, duck, duck, duck, GOOSE!

not out of the woods yet. still feeling pretty tired and emotionally unstable. there are tiny rays of hope, however - after sleeping in this morning, and then lying around all afternoon - finally dragging my sorry-ass off the couch to go play an orchestra concert - i came home feeling recharged, and managed to get some housework done. i was even planning on taking the kids swimming - until Cohen spiked a fever, that is.

so i'm trying to set small goals. if i can get one small house-related chore completed every day, i'll be happy. we have this enormous, empty basement just begging for someone to come do something about it. and pictures that are crying out for walls. and vice versa!

not to mention - someone has to figure out the logistics of finding space for 3 permanent and 2 temporary children to sleep! i'd better start figuring it out soon.

christmas is fast approaching. i'm really working to not allow the feeling of panic/anxiety to take over. i LOVE the entire season... but pregnancy tends to bring out the anxiety in me (clearly), so i can't help freaking out a little. we usually spoil our kids fairly well on christmas - and pay the price all year long. this year, we have a very strict and very small budget, as we spend the next year playing catch up. next year will be much better. but i can't help feeling guilty. so, to make sure it's still the best time of the year, i'm hoping to have a very tradition-rich christmas. pregnancy nonwithstanding! we will bake. we will cut down our own tree. we will each decorate our own tree ornament, to add to our growing collection. we will shop at oliviers candy shop. we will watch all of the classic holiday cartoons. we will teach our kids christmas carols - yes, even the ones that *gasp* use the word "christmas". etc etc.

YAWN! how can i possibly be tired, i slept for 12 hours last night! this baby is sucking the life outta me LOL!

ok. not much else to report. 12 weeks and counting.

And the award for the most unstable pregnant woman goes to...

Moi.

I'm pretty sure I'm driving everyone crazy. I don't know how I feel from one moment to the next. With everything that has been going on, I suppose I'm allowed to have some flexibility. I'm just so tired of myself and my moods. I feel like telling my brain to shut-up.

I've put on some weight. Not happy about it - knew it was coming, hoped it wouldn't come until the second trimester. However, this belly has popped, no two ways about it. It's looking less like chub (make no mistake, there is still chub) and more like the watermellon we all know and love. It's still hard. 6 months of ass-kicking workouts, got within 11 lbs of my goal, annnnnnddddd... poof. I haven't been able to work out since week 5 - too sick, too much risk of fainting with my low blood pressure - but now that I'm almost out of the first trimester, I should be feeling well enough to try it again. I'm putting a TON of faith in the fact that this is going to make me feel oh-so better. Next week is my goal.

I'm feeling very distanced from this pregnancy. I know once I start to feel baby moving, those feelings will gradually subside. But still. I am not planning anything, which is unlike me. I haven't made arrangements for a cradle or a crib. I have NO baby clothing. (Ok, one or two outfits, at most). With my other pregnancies, I started buying diapers right away (easier on the budget to plan ahead). Not this time.

I've got nothin. I figure, maybe after Christmas. Because I become so insane at Christmas (yes, I'm one of those obnoxious super-over-the-top-Christmas-spirit people - although I rarely get to do half as much as I plan), it's probably best that I put baby out of my mind until after that.

No feelings yet re: boy/girl. Ultrasound is scheduled for about 4 weeks from now. If baby chooses to hide and not let us see, I will schedule a private u/s to find out, as I can't afford to be buying the wrong stuff. And I really don't like mint-green or yellow.

SO yeah. If you know anyone who has baby stuff still hanging around, and they would like to pass it on, send them my way. I'll happily pass it back when we're done (and make no mistake, after this one, we're DONE).

Last night, I realized that whenever I DID focus on this baby, I was focusing on the negative, frightening things. Like: having to nurse with two (4!) other kids demanding my attention. getting an hour of sleep at night, only. being at the beck-and-call of an infant. bundling up 2 (4) kids plus an infant all winter long (next winter) every time we want to leave the house. being outnumbered. drool. teething. colic. gas. meconium diapers. diapers. diapers. more diapers. no clean clothing, ever.

then i realized... i'd forgotten why i wanted a third child. the good things. the incredibly good things. Like: new-baby smell. the feel of their forehead pressed against your lips. the little sounds they make while they nurse. the feeling of nursing. the peacefulness of a baby sleeping in your arms. the complete trust in their eyes when they look at you. the ninja reflex they have if you make a sound while they are trying to sleep. the milk-drunk head-bob. that first smile.

and that's just the first few months. i've loved every age (except, maybe, 4. that was a rough year) of my kids, and they bring me joy every day. infants are tough, definitely (though, i have to say, the first was SO MUCH EASIER... so, new moms and first-time-moms-to-be - enjoy it!!!!!) but they grow so quickly. it won't be hard for all that long. and with this being our last, i'm really determined to not allow myself to get so busy that i forget to enjoy it.

all right. time to get off this darn computer and go pick up the kids for some trick-or-treating!

M.