And the award for the most unstable pregnant woman goes to...

Moi.

I'm pretty sure I'm driving everyone crazy. I don't know how I feel from one moment to the next. With everything that has been going on, I suppose I'm allowed to have some flexibility. I'm just so tired of myself and my moods. I feel like telling my brain to shut-up.

I've put on some weight. Not happy about it - knew it was coming, hoped it wouldn't come until the second trimester. However, this belly has popped, no two ways about it. It's looking less like chub (make no mistake, there is still chub) and more like the watermellon we all know and love. It's still hard. 6 months of ass-kicking workouts, got within 11 lbs of my goal, annnnnnddddd... poof. I haven't been able to work out since week 5 - too sick, too much risk of fainting with my low blood pressure - but now that I'm almost out of the first trimester, I should be feeling well enough to try it again. I'm putting a TON of faith in the fact that this is going to make me feel oh-so better. Next week is my goal.

I'm feeling very distanced from this pregnancy. I know once I start to feel baby moving, those feelings will gradually subside. But still. I am not planning anything, which is unlike me. I haven't made arrangements for a cradle or a crib. I have NO baby clothing. (Ok, one or two outfits, at most). With my other pregnancies, I started buying diapers right away (easier on the budget to plan ahead). Not this time.

I've got nothin. I figure, maybe after Christmas. Because I become so insane at Christmas (yes, I'm one of those obnoxious super-over-the-top-Christmas-spirit people - although I rarely get to do half as much as I plan), it's probably best that I put baby out of my mind until after that.

No feelings yet re: boy/girl. Ultrasound is scheduled for about 4 weeks from now. If baby chooses to hide and not let us see, I will schedule a private u/s to find out, as I can't afford to be buying the wrong stuff. And I really don't like mint-green or yellow.

SO yeah. If you know anyone who has baby stuff still hanging around, and they would like to pass it on, send them my way. I'll happily pass it back when we're done (and make no mistake, after this one, we're DONE).

Last night, I realized that whenever I DID focus on this baby, I was focusing on the negative, frightening things. Like: having to nurse with two (4!) other kids demanding my attention. getting an hour of sleep at night, only. being at the beck-and-call of an infant. bundling up 2 (4) kids plus an infant all winter long (next winter) every time we want to leave the house. being outnumbered. drool. teething. colic. gas. meconium diapers. diapers. diapers. more diapers. no clean clothing, ever.

then i realized... i'd forgotten why i wanted a third child. the good things. the incredibly good things. Like: new-baby smell. the feel of their forehead pressed against your lips. the little sounds they make while they nurse. the feeling of nursing. the peacefulness of a baby sleeping in your arms. the complete trust in their eyes when they look at you. the ninja reflex they have if you make a sound while they are trying to sleep. the milk-drunk head-bob. that first smile.

and that's just the first few months. i've loved every age (except, maybe, 4. that was a rough year) of my kids, and they bring me joy every day. infants are tough, definitely (though, i have to say, the first was SO MUCH EASIER... so, new moms and first-time-moms-to-be - enjoy it!!!!!) but they grow so quickly. it won't be hard for all that long. and with this being our last, i'm really determined to not allow myself to get so busy that i forget to enjoy it.

all right. time to get off this darn computer and go pick up the kids for some trick-or-treating!

M.