There goes 2 hours of my life...

Well, today was my first "official" OB appointment. Even though I knew it was going to happen, I was still frustrated to find that I had to wait an hour before getting a room, and then 20 minutes before seeing the nurse, and then 10 more minutes before seeing the Dr. Oh well. The funny part was about 5 minutes into the nurses' questions, I mentioned that this was my third child. "Oh, well then, let's cut the crap and get on with it" she says. Hilarious.

So, everything seems to be ok. It's always hard to say this early. I have to go for a billion blood tests this week (low blood pressure and a history of borderline gestational diabetes). I get to make my appointment for my U/S at the end of November. I declined genetic testing... cause really, it wouldn't change anything for us either way.

Ian wasn't pleased to be there with me. I try and understand this (and for the record, I only ask him to come with me for the first appointment and near the end of the line)... we argued today about it "WHY am I here?" he asked, for the tenth time. "Because it's your godamn baby too!" I finally said (loudly). I know. It's not like I need him to hold my hand anymore. I guess I just think, you know, I have to do all of the damn work here - morning sickness, fatigue, muscle/joint pain, headaches... you know, creating a life form and all that jazz. Then, I get to go through labour and delivery. I get the stitches afterwards, I get the sore nipples, I get the saggy boobs and jello-tummy... and you're telling me, you don't understand why I would want you to sacrifice 2 hours of your day to sit next to me so I have someone to talk to??????

I'm sure when he reads this, he'll think twice about complaining the next time. Ha.

Emotionally, I'm freaking out these days. I'm terrified that I'll never have a clean house again. I'm terrified that my patience for infants has expired. I'm tired of my job and being away from my kids all day. I don't know.

All of this would be so much easier if I could kick back and have a smoke and a beer to relax. Alas! No can do. With Lili, I waited a whole 2 weeks before getting out to have a few drinks (yes, I pumped, btw). This time around, I figure I'm taking a bottle with me into the delivery room. Yes, I'm kidding mom.

I do anticipate that I will request an early discharge again. After Lili was born, I was home 6 hours later. I can't stand lying in bed doing nothing at the hospital. Especially since I'd had a full night sleep (went into labour at 6am, had her at 1pm, left the hospital at 6pm). And, Ian had to leave almost immediately after she was born, as he had a final at the U. With Cohen, I was happy to stay there and sleep - after an entire night of labour - but with Lili, I just wanted to go home.

Whew that was interesting. The fire alarm here at work went off... so we all reluctantly left the office... on our way out, a mom with 2 kids and an infant in a stroller asked me "can I take the elevator?" "no", I said, "sorry". She looked so mad - I can imagine, trying to carry all three kids down the stairs.

Turns out - there was a fire in the elevator shaft.

All right, my excitement for the day is done.

Reality Check.

alas, i spoke too soon.

i'm desperately hoping for a change in the tides here, because life is only going to get busier and more tiring. starting in a month, we will be babysitting the neighbors kids two days and two nights per week (well, per 8 days). i'm going to need all the energy i can get!

in fact, we babysat the neighbors kids on saturday evening. (disclaimer: i know that the politically correct thing would be for me to keep this blog purely joyful. however, i am nothing if not honest and realistic. i think too often women - mothers in particular - shy away from being honest about the not-so-positive aspects of motherhood. thus:). after fighting with the 2 year old for an hour at the dinner table (she may be allowed to eat with her hands at her house, but not here!), breaking up a few arguements, trying to remember what it means to babyproof (i've become so spoiled... reality check!), negotiating a bed-time snack to satisfy the three kids while trying to feed the baby, and then the coup de grace - being woken up every hour by a teething 10 month old with a fever, who finally fell asleep around 6am only to be woken up by the two girls fighting over god knows what...

well, after all of that, finally handing the kids back to the neighbors once they got off shift at 9am, i cried for an hour straight. i was convinced that having another baby was a terrible mistake. (never mind agreeing to babysit the neighbors kids 4x per week, i won't even go there). i've been done with diapers for nearly a year. my kids walk to the car, and can open the doors and climb in, and even buckle themselves up. they brush their own teeth. they know how to make themselves breakfast. they sleep through the night, and always have. they have all of their teeth (minus one for cohen). they know how to walk, and how to talk, and have a good handle on emotions.

WHY OH WHY would i choose to start all over again with a third child??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????


I cried and cried. And the GUILT of having these thoughts WHILE PREGNANT - as though baby could somehow sense my feelings... oh the guilt!!!!

i managed to calm myself down eventually. first of all, i told myself, it is normal to feel very frustrated having spent a night not sleeping because of a child that is NOT YOUR OWN. i know i will feel different (frustrated, still, but in love, too) with my own child, should they not prove to be as adept at sleeping as the first two were. second of all, the years fly by. i'll blink, and this baby will also be buckling him/herself up. the first few years are so challenging. but they go so fast.

i really want this baby. i just can't hide from the fact that we're giving up a lot of freedom to do this. i know it will be worth it. and i know i will be better able to handle 5 kids when i'm not doing it after having worked for 8 hours (plus the 1.5 hours getting the kids ready in the am) and while dealing with some wicked nasea and fatigue.

which, incidentally, is not being helped by my staying up past midnight to blog.

and so...

M.

Could it really be? Is the worst behind me?

WOW do I ever feel like a new person. (except tonight but I'm chalking that up to a really busy day at work). Since Saturday, I have turned the corner! Suddenly I have lots of energy, and the drive to get some work done again, thank goodness! No need for naps... until tonight, when I slept for 2 hours after work. But that's ok, cause I actually had 2 hours to spare.

I've been doing a lot of shopping lately. usedcalgary.com is SO great for buying second-hand baby stuff. Also - I found this site called freecycle, where people offer their stuff for FREE. You have to be really fast, (aka check your email 10x per day), because the good stuff goes like the wind. I'm having lots of fun, and the truth is, I love second-hand baby stuff, because that's part of the magic of motherhood - passing it all on. I loved passing on Cohen and Lili's stuff (except for a few items which were just too precious for me to let go) - some to friends, some to friends of friends, once to a single mom my own mom met at bingo, some to neighbors, etc etc. Kids clothes and items are SO expensive and they go through everything so quickly, it really only makes sense to pass it all on. And it's part of the sisterhood of being a mom.

Everyone is asking whether I have a feeling regarding the sex of the baby... well, no, although I've always thought that my third would likely be a boy. Probably because I was the middle child, and the only girl. Frankly, I'm ok either way - if we have a healthy child, making 3 healthy children in a row, I will be absolutely over the moon.

Read a story today about a little girl, 8 years old, who is currently fighting cancer for the 3rd time. She is Stage 4... and not likely to make it to her 9th birthday, but she never loses hope. I bawled, reading this article. I can't even imagine what the parents must be going through. I'm always aware that things like this can happen to anyone at anytime - and every morning that I wake up to their smiling faces, I feel a wave of relief that we have another day of being healthy and happy together. Sometimes I wonder how brave we are, humans, to be willing to care so much for our offspring. The risk is so high. If anything were to happen to Cohen or Lili - or this baby - I just don't know how I would handle it. I would lose myself.

You can't dwell on these things... but most moms I know will tell you that it's a thought that creeps into your mind every so often, like a reminder.

Which reminds me of something sort of interesting - when the kids were babies, wherever we went my mind used to always be filled with every possible (however unlikely) threat that could possibly present itself to my child. A knife-wielding assailant. An earthquake. A tornado. A baby-snatcher. You name it, I'd picture it, in GREAT details. Without even really being aware I was doing it. And I'd envision the entire scenario, right into my reaction and the various possible actions I could take and their probable outcomes.

Turns out - this is extremely common. It's some sort of weird survival instinct. Mental preparation for the worst-case scenario. Was I really afraid that something like this would happen? Not in any real sense. But there's always a part of me that wanted to be prepared. I was, after all, a Girl Guide for many years, haha.

Well, I'm past the 2 month mark, and I can honestly say that so far, time is flying by at a speed that has me slightly panicked. I am looking forward to taking my 2008 vacation time early in the year - maybe in January, as Ian gets 12 paid days off in January too. Although he does get 12 days in April too, so maybe I should take it then... I dunno.

All right, off to bed, tomorrow is Friday hurray!

M.

Happy Birdy-Day!

At the risk of jinxing it... as of yesterday, I feel like a new woman. I got through an entire day without a nap, and managed to stay focussed enough to bake rocky road squares, 2 kinds of pies, and cupcakes. With a smile on my face.

Today I cooked Thanksgiving for 9 (well, really for 13 but my brother and his family couldn't make it, last minute), and only once or twice did I start to feel overwhelmingly tired.

Not even nauseas. And for THAT - I'm truly Thankful :)

I can't believe I agreed to go through this again.

this has not been the best week.

between having Cohen at the hospital, me at the hospital...

i went back for my second u/s and some further tests. after i'd been there for about 2 hours being poked and prodded, i finally saw a doc, who said "so, you're pregnant... congratulations! now... why are you here?". unbelievable. i started to fill her in, and finally asked if this was not all in my chart. "oh... they lost your chart from sunday".

argh!

so, the good news - everything seems to be fine.

which doesn't mean i'm feeling fine. i'm now on day 2 of a wicked migraine, which is making the nausea oh so much worse. i hate taking any sort of medications while pregnant, but i just finally gave in and sent the secretary down to the pharmacy to get me some tylenol. i hope it works. typically, only advil works for me, and that's a no-no during pregnancy.

8 weeks tomorrow. one more month (god willing) of feeling this awful.

oh - i finally cried. typically i'm very weepy while pregnant... not so far. but this morning, cohen was crying and holding on to me - he didn't want to leave me to go to school - and i just burst into tears. silly. getting teary-eyed just thinking about the poor little guy. sometimes, he just wants to hang out with his mom. such a sweetie.

k, no more looking at the computer until the tylenol arrives.

sleep, i can't get enough.

ugh, this is so frustrating. so i ended up coming home around noon, slept for an hour, woke up to eat... ian called in and booked tonight off again because he is so worried i'll faint again. woke up, ate, fell back asleep until 5:30!!!! ate dinner, tried to relax while ian took the kids to the park (relax as in, made pudding for Cohen's lunch, got some milk and cookies ready for the kid's bedtime snack, and did the dishes). had a bath, watched some tv... all the while, feeling just awful - dizzy and sick.

i don't know what to do. i'm having stomach issues (no need to go into detail lol)... i wish i could just stay home from work for a week and deal with this but alas... my boss was kind enough to send me an email after i left today to inform me i've used up my sick days for 2007 (5 days, who the hell misses only 5 days per year... especially with kids?), so any further time missed will be unpaid or will have to be made up. which leaves me in a really tough position.

plus, a new emt class started today. this is typically my busiest week. as it is, i had to bow out of several important projects today.

and of course, this is making me freak out. which is not good!

add to that - i checked my voice mail around 5:30 today, and there was a message from the hospital, asking me to call. of course, i call back, and have to leave a message, which was not returned. you know the rules - typically, they only call if they have bad news. i'm hoping maybe they were just calling to schedule the second u/s. guess i'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out.

probably i will call my family doc tomorrow. i haven't even seen my ob/gyn yet, and am not scheduled to do so for another 3 weeks.

i'm sure i'm just fighting off an infection or something. hopefully something treatable, because i can't keep napping 4 hours every day and spending the rest of the day feeling like i am.

funny thing - at the ER, my doc was asking me about my s/s. as i'm trying to explain, i add "this feels completely different from my other two pregnancies, it just feels like something is wrong". he says to me "well, keep in mind, every pregnancy is different". now, i'm sorry, but this doc is probably 22 years old. i REALLY wanted to say "oh, is that what your textbook says?" so frustrating. clearly, i know that every pregnancy is different. you know how i know? done it twice. sigh. oh well. this is why i can't fathom having an ob/gyn that isn't a) a woman and b) a mom. i'm grateful that 4/5 of the women in my practice meet both guidelines.

i just can't imagine a male doc saying to me "now, you're going to feel some pressure". REALLY? you call that pressure? CLEARLY, you've never been in this position. hehehe. it would drive me crazy.

all right. i should sleep. gotta find a way to get through an 8 hour day at work tomorrow without curling up under my desk and sleeping.

Ultrasound #1

Well, despite my fears, my trip to the ER wasn't as horrible as I anticipated. I waited for only an hour or less to get a bed, and only about 30 minutes to see a doc.

I'm still feeling like poop.

I guess I should explain:

Yesterday, I fainted. Yup. And afterwards, I was feeling pretty out of it - trouble focusing, shakiness, etc. I went home from work, and ended up sleeping for 4 hours. Woke up, sent Ian off to work, ate dinner. Still wasn't feeling great. Crampy, dizzy. And wicked-depressed. Ian phoned, and apparently I worried him a little, because the next thing I know, an ambulance is pulling up to the house.

Ian (my hero) and his partner had pulled themselves out-of-service to come and check me out. The took my blood pressure (100/70 - low), temp (slight fever), BGL (4.5 - normal), HR (80 sitting, 100 standing... not good), and did a 12-lead (normal). Then they both spent 20 minutes trying to convince me to go to the hospital.

My reasons for not wanting to go:
1 - I did not feel it was an emergency. I could call my doc in the morning.
2 - I do not want to further stretch an already over-taxed health care system by adding to the wait times
3 - I despise waiting. The last time I went to the ER, I waited 11 hours.
4 - the season premier of Desperate Housewives was starting in 15 minutes.
5 - no way in hell was I going in an ambulance.

I finally agreed to go, as long as we took the van and not the ambulance. So after much dramatic chatter over their radios to supervisors etc etc, they pulled Ian off-service for the night and off we went.

(My neighbor Shane, saw the ambulance pull up and was going to play a prank on Ian but hiding in the back... but decided to come to our door first and see what was up - which was good, because he agreed to hang out at our place and watch the kids.)

It was a little different this time, compared to previous visits. All of the ER nurses know Ian, so there was a certain amount of respect and friendliness that wasn't there in the past. It was nice.
So anyways, they wanted of course to rule out any cardiac issues, so I had another 12-lead done (normal). Then they wanted to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, so I got to have an ultrasound (amazingly, we even got to see the heartbeat!)... although it was an "ER" ultrasound - which means that they rule out ectopic but don't check for anything else. So, they are going to be calling me today to schedule a more in-depth ultrasound for today.
I also had blood taken, and gave a urine sample - which apparently turned up some irregularities that require further testing.

So, the good news is that the baby seems to be doing fine. The bad news is, my blood pressure is low and causing me to faint.

Today, I'm at work, and totally exhuasted. It was 2am before I got home, and nearly 3 before Ian and I were able to fall asleep. I have a phone conference at 1pm, and after that, I'm outta here.

Ah, always an adventure, parenthood.