Who knew?

I just realized that Lili is going to be 5 in a few short weeks. How can that be? I suppose I should be planning a party! We've decided to hold her birthday party in May, since there are just too many birthdays in April. So, we're going to do a joint party for Lili and Luci. I did ask Lili first - and she seems VERY excited about sharing her party. That probably won't be the case next year, so I'm going to make the most of it now!

In other news... Luci is crawling, albeit only when she's visiting someone with carpet. VERY rarely she'll crawl across the hardwood here... but mostly she scoots around on her bum. And - she STILL has no teeth. Almost 11 months old! Craziness! I LOVE her toothless grin, so I'm not complaining... but it sure does limit the food choices.

Cohen is doing well in school, busy with homework and playdates. Hockey is over for the season, and I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand - it's nice not to have to worry about 2 ice times each weekend... on the other hand, I've never seen him happier than when he's on the ice! I considered spring hockey, but considering everything else that is going on, I'm relieved I decided against it.

Lili is also doing well. Skating is done for fall/winter, but she starts spring skating in a few weeks. She participated in her second competition this year, and won a silver medal! Amazing girl. She is a constant source of amazement for me - I am so very, very lucky to have these 3 amazing children. Not to mention one amazing husband! No matter what else happens in our lives, we are together, and happy.

Ian is enjoying his parental leave so far. He's re-arranged the bathroom cabinets, and so far I've enjoyed coming home to a hot meal. There have been some learning experiences for him in terms of being prepared for things (aka forgetting hockey gear twice in one weekend, and sending the kids to a sleepover without a change of clothing!), but he's learning.

And me? Well, despite the stress of my current situation, I am finding out how incredibly blessed I am. SO many people have come forward to support me. Even some people I would never have imagined doing so for me, and people who are putting their own positions at risk by doing so. I'm so grateful to you all. I did receive notice that things have progressed past the first screening stage, so that's good news for me. At the end of the day, I'm more sad than anything though. It's just so completely unnecessary. But that's not my burden to carry, I suppose.

Monday

What a FUN week. Really. I've learned more about Human Rights than I ever thought possible. I've met many, many interesting people, and I'm grateful for each of them. I'm grateful that they were all willing to listen to my story, and even more grateful that they all agreed with my perspective. You know how sometimes, when you're personally involved, you wonder if you're losing perspective? Yeah... well, I'm not. In fact, I've learned so much in this last week (ok, who are we kidding, I've been looking into it and doing my research for months, I just hoped that all of that research was for nothing...alas, not so), that I'm thinking about going public with all that I've learned. Seriously, I have to wonder how many other women have been put in this position and have neither the will, the knowledge, the know-how or the resources to do something about it.

Anyways. Things are far from settled, but they will be soon enough. I would LOVE to post specifics, but it's come to my attention that we have a little birdie spying on us here. I know, I know. Sucks. That's ok, though, because one of these days, you might tune into your local news station and see the whole story unravel in front of you. Stay tuned...

In the meantime, I'm reporting to work on Monday. Yup! And you know, I'm looking forward to it.

So much more research to be done!

Oops

Today, Ian and I were arguing while in the van with all 3 kids. It was a mild argument - to be honest, I have no idea what it was about - but we were raising our voices for sure. There was definitely our usual joking-tone to it: when Ian and I fight, we tend to lean on humour to soften the blow. I also like to wave my hands and yell "aaaaaargggghhhh!!!!!!" but that's beside the point.

Well, we'd reached the point in our argument where we are at the pinnacle of logic and respect:

"SCREW YOU!" I yelled, laughing.
"SCREW YOU!!" he yelled back, laughing.

Suddenly, from the very back seat of the van, a very sick, tired and exasperated voice chimed in:

"SCREW YOU BOTH!"

That would be Lili. I honestly thought that all the kids were asleep!

Ian and I laughed so hard that I almost had to pull over for fear of killing us all.

Still trying to figure it out.

I'm frustrated! I feel like I've been having this identity crisis for the last year or 5. The problem is, I've always been this way - interested in too many things, able to morph into many different roles.

But this is too much! I just can't be everything to everyone. But how, oh how, do I prioritize? The thing is, I never, ever go halfway with anything. I can't. It's just not who I am. Which leaves me trying to be 10 different things, 100% of the time.

Can't do it.

It's really making me crazy right now. I want to be the mom that is there for their kids 100% - makes them a hot breakfast, drives them to school, makes them a decent lunch, picks them up from school, drives them to their stuff, helps them with their homework and music practice, plays with them, reads to them, etc etc.

Problem being? 1) I have to work and 2) I have to work. Confused? 1) I have to work because we're drowing in stupid student-loan debt and 2) I have to work because when my brain isn't challenged, I go crazy.

More problems - with 3 kids now, daycare in Calgary is stupid. I would say 80% of places I've looked into won't take kids under the age of 3. The other 20% charge a stupid amount for it - like, $1200/mth - so that not only do you feel guilty for leaving your baby with someone, you feel EXTRA guilty because you're essentially working JUST TO PAY someone else to care for your child.

Can't afford to stay home, can't afford to work. What's a mom to do? I KNOW! Start her own home-based-business! Yay! Brilliant!

OK, did that. Yup. And I have a GREAT feeling about it - but I also know that it will be 2-3 years before I have enough steady work to show a significant profit. And oh yeah, did I mention, I'll probably have to work 10-12 hours 6 days/week for the first year. Which, of course, I can't do, because I'll be at my full-time job, working in order to finance my fledgling business and to have some stranger raise my children.

I LOVE work. I LOVE IT! Some days, just for fun, I think it would be amazing to have Ian be a stay-at-home dad. I could work to my hearts content and not feel guilty, right?

HA! I'm a woman! I'm born feeling guilty! No way could I hand off the role of primary caregiver. Nope. Couldn't handle that.

So, what's the answer? Part-time job? Full-time job? Home-business? Stay-at-home mom? Huh? It SUCKS that I spent so much of my maternity leave trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I TRIED to just sit back and enjoy it - and I did, for the first 3 months or so, but honestly, since then not a day has gone by where I haven't felt this stupid ticking clock hanging over me.

Heck, maybe I should have another baby just to buy some more time. JUST KIDDING!

Someone, help me out here! I'm drowning in self-doubt and guilt and confusion. I keep telling myself that the answer will become clear, it will all work itself out... but the awful truth of the matter is, when I collapse into bed at night and close my eyes, I immediately imagine a scene that I think I long for the most - the image of suburbia, a street filled with stay-at-home moms, sunshine and green grass, home-made lemonade, sprinklers, recipe-exchanges, best friend neighbors, etc etc etc.

Seriously. I love to work, but take me back to a time when my work ethic could be applied to raising children, keeping a clean and organized house, and making delicious meals, and I think I'd be in heaven.

I'm just sayin'. Maybe things weren't that bad.

All right.