RIP

So far, the news isn't saying much, beyond "murder-suicide". I can't understand.

Read the story HERE

2 weeks old!

has it really only been 2 weeks? it feels like it's been forever. it has certainly been a crazy 2 weeks.

life definately didn't wait long to speed up after luci's birth. the first week or so was very slow and it really seemed like the days just ran into eachother... but the again, cohen was on a break from school, ian took some time off work, and i was barely even able to walk from the bedroom to the couch every day. week 2 however...

the first sign that i was feeling better was the walk. THE WALK. yes, it was big. i started to feel the baby blues coming on, and so i packed up luci, hooked me up to my i-pod, and we went for a very, very long walk in the rain. best thing in the world for me, even though i was walking stupid-slow, and had to stop often to clear my head. still, it was great to get out of the house and breath in some fresh air.

after that - life went on! our next outing was taking lili to spring figure skating lessons - and luci was an angel, sleeping from the time we left the house until we arrived back home 1.5 hours later. here's a cute picture of lili in her new skating dress, by the way:



our next outing was taking cohen to soccer - again, she slept through the entire thing. taking cohen to school and back - again, sleeps.

i'm relieved.

we've had visitors almost every day since she was born - and although i've loved having everyone, i will admit that i'm looking forward to a few days (ok, one day) with just me and the kids.

luci is sleeping alright - usually from about 11pm - 3:30am, and then she's usually up every hour or so after that. i'm getting used to it. the hardest part right now is that i don't have a good breastfeeding pillow, so i'm finding it really awkward and somewhat painful to nurse at night, trying to arrange the various pillows around me. nursing is going great - no problems. 3rd time is a charm, i guess.

luci is a pretty easy-going baby - out of neccesity, i guess! she loves to watch everyone, and only fusses if i take too long to respond to her hunger! she loves it when her big sister sings to her, and when her big brother holds her and makes funny faces. time with ian is especially precious - i love watching them together.

i'm feeling all right - still struggling with the blues. haven't had a chance to get out walking again since our first foray, but am hoping that i will be able to do more and more of it on ian's off days. the hardest part is trying to wade through the depression - i'm not actually depressed, you see. but i can feel the depression trying to seep in every morning. it's like being pulled under by the tide, or something. i can feel it happening, and i fight it like mad. i have no time for depression! i have 3 kids to love! 2 other kids to care for! oh wait, starting monday, 3 other kids to care for! i think once i have a chance to get out with adults every once in a while, i'll start feeling better. this friday should be a good start!

anyhoo. i'm loving being a mom of 3 (how odd does that sound). i keep saying in my head "you have two daughters and a son", and it makes me smile. the next year or 5 will be tough, but i know from experience that there will be so many amazing moments, we'll barely notice how hard it is.

plus, i can drink now so it's easier to deal with (heheh... and yes, i'm pumping!)

here are some recent pictures of little lou:

Thanks!

Just a quick note - thanks SO much to Karmen and Lindsey for the edible bouquet (yum, chocolate covered strawberries!) and to Crystal for the clothes! Nothing like a special delivery to cheer a girl up!

M.

1 week old!

it's so hard to believe! on the other hand, it seems like she's been here forever.

had her 1 week dr appointment today - she has already gained her weight back, and then some, weighing in at 9lbs 1 ounce. she's perfectly healthy. as for me - turns out that dr.a-hole is responsible for the numbness in my finger. i have to have it checked out again in 2 weeks, they are hopeful that the feeling will come back. i also made the big u/s appointment for my spleen - end of june. i can't believe i have to wait another month and a half! well - if it was serious, i'm sure they'd get me in earlier.

today was the first time i took all 3 kids out on my own. it took me 1.5 hours to get everyone ready, which included nursing luci as much as possible. i didn't end up having time for a shower (which is ok, had one last night) or a breakfast... managed to grab a granola bar on the way out the door, realizing as i did that we desperately need groceries. the drive went fine, but cohen and lili really acted up at the dr's office. all of a sudden, my well-behaved children won't listen to me at all. i actually had to yell at them - in public. lovely. all the while holding a naked, squirming, hungry luci. it was really frustrating, and i can't help feeling betrayed by cohen and lili! ian had even asked them to be extra-good today. i've only been on my feet for a few days now, and the trip to the doc really wore me out. i had planned on getting some groceries on the way home, but nixed that idea pretty quick. got home, sent cohen and lili out to play, and sat down to nurse luci. woke up 3 HOURS later at 2pm! the kids were starving... me too! luci, on the other hand, was sated - having had unrestricted access to my boob for 3 hours straight, haha. craziness.

in other news, definitely have the baby-blues. usually after dinner until about bedtime is rough for me. tonight i thought i was doing ok... until i woke up from another breastfeeding-induced nap. cohen and lili had gotten their paints out and it was everywhere - on lili's new shirt, my best towels, the table, the floor... so as i'm frantically trying to clean the table, lili spills an entire root beer on the floor (is there anything stickier than root beer? and since when do they help themselves to root beer??? they know they're allowed milk or water only!), luci starts to cry, and cohen starts throwing up.

and i start to cry! i hate it when ian is working the night shift. so what did i do? put cohen and lili to bed (no story, no teeth brushing, no water, no pjs even), cleaned up the worst of the paint, threw out my towels, all the while nursing luci. yes, i can now nurse on the move. too funny. then i called ian and cried for awhile. he told me i should talk to someone... i told him i don't need therapy, i need a housekeeper!

so we're actually considering hiring a housekeeper for the next 6 weeks or so, until i'm fully recovered and have gotten used to this craziness.

and this is with 3 kids... soon i will have J&B to watch... and in 2 weeks Julia, as well. thank god ian will be home for those days. and hopefully having other kids around will actually keep cohen and lili out of trouble!

oops, luci is awake, must run! updated pics to follow soon.

m.

the birth story (VERY LONG. FEEL FREE TO SKIM!)

I've been meaning to post forever - but recovery has been more difficult than anticipated! Luci is sleeping right now, so perhaps if I type fast enough I'll get most of it in!

This is going to be long... (who me?) but I don't want to forget it either, since I'll NEVER go through it again!

LABOUR

I started really noticing contractions around 5pm. Because of the previous 48 hours of false-alarms and what-if's, I was reluctant to believe that this was "it" even though the contractions were more painful than any previous. Ian and I took the kids to the mall to walk around for awhile, and then came home to eat dinner and get ready to go to Cohen's soccer game. at around 6pm, it was time to go to soccer, and I decided that I should probably not attempt the walk, as I was feeling pretty yucky by that point. I told Ian it was "probably" time... but that he should take Cohen to soccer anyways, as I'm sure we had hours to go.

7:15, Ian returns from soccer, and finds me pretty much standing at the door, bags in hand. Contractions are about 4 minutes apart. I'm pretty confused - my doc told me to come when they were 5-7 minutes apart, and not to hesitate because with this being my 3rd, baby would likely come fast. However, these contractions are not as painful as I remembered with Lili. At this point I'm still able to talk during the contractions, although it's becoming more difficult. We decide to go anyways - worst thing they can do is send us home! We pack up the kids, and drop them off at my brothers new house - just a few blocks away. The kids are falling over themselves with excitement - pretty adorable!

After we dropped the kids off, we took the long way to the hospital, (I'm still worried this is a false alarm, based on the pain levels). We arrived at the hospital around 9pm, and contractions are now 3-4 minutes apart. We check in, and as soon as they hear this is our 3rd child, we're immediately ushered into an L&D triage room. I'm hooked up to the monitors, and sure enough, contractions are coming 3-4 minutes apart and are "relatively strong". After 10 minutes, the triage nurse comes in to check me.

"oh dear", she says. "you're only a 3".

WHAT???? I'm devestated. When I got to the hospital with Lili, I was a 5.

She tells us to go walk for an hour and come back. My bag of waters is bulging, she says, and probably stopping me from dilating. "walk, and hope that you rupture!" she tells us.

So off we go, walking. After about 20 minutes, the contractions are starting to get noticably stronger. I'm hopeful.

10:15pm, we return to triage. Hooked up again, the nurse exclaims over the change in the strength of my contractions. I can no longer talk through them, and start concentrating instead on deep, rhythmic breathing, and forcing myself to relax and "go into" the pain. I'm sure, by now, I'm a 4 or at least a 5. 4, I know, is the magic number for me to stay.

"oh dear," she says. "you're still a 3". I want to cry. She leaves the room, and I hear her talking to the on-call doc. She's pleading my case for me, hoping they'll rupture my membranes and let me stay. No go. She tells us we can walk for another 2 hours or so, or go home.

We go home. Get home around 12:30pm. Contractions are getting really uncomfortable, but I can see Ian needs some sleep, so I send him to bed, and I sit myself on the ball, trying to do some visualization. I also watch lots of crappy tv, which keeps my mind off of things. At 2am, I realize that I'm having more and more trouble concentrating on the tv even in-between contractions. I decide to let Ian sleep until 2:30. 2:30, wake Ian up, he showers, and we're off! Hurray! Time to have a baby!

3:15 we arrive back at the hospital, and our beloved nurse is excited to see us. "I knew you'd be back!" she said. Haha. Back to triage, hooked up again, she is excited by the strength of these contractions. "Monster contractions!" she says. And checks me.

"oh dear," she mumbles. "you're still a 3. well... let's say 3-4. i'm gonna write down 4".

I am absolutely flabbergasted, and in that instant, I hate every person who told me that my third child would just "fall out".

The nurse comments "3rd babies are a lot like the 1st... unpredictable!"

great.

we are allowed to stay, but have to stay in triage. turns out it's a busy night at L&D, and there are no beds. In addition, the doc on call for my practice has a woman in labour with twins currently. i'm ok though, as long as i can stay.

pretty quick the contractions start to escalate, and now i'm not just breathing through them, i'm moaning through them. i'm on my feet at first, but this time, it turns out that i'm most comfortable sitting down.

now, let me say - my "birth plan" up to this point had been to go natural. with cohen there was no hope of that thanks to the induction (contractions 60-90 seconds long 2 minutes apart from the start - for 12 hours!). with lili, i got one - and gave birth less than 30 minutes later... and always wished that i'd known i was that close before getting the epidural! so this time, i figured, things would likely go even more smooth than they did with lili (5 hours of labour, 1 push)...

yeah, not so much. by 4am, i was exhausted and starting to have images of the smiling, happy anesthesiologist. i told ian, and he asked if i was sure. (he was supposed to say a lot of other things, but i think he secretly wanted me to have the epidural so i'd stop with the moaning). i said "i think so".

4:30, we're told that they have a room open for us in L&D, finally. my water still has not broken. i'm terrified that i'm still a 4.

4:45 we're settling into our delivery room, and ian immediately tells my nurse that i'm going to want an epi. she goes to call the anesthesiologist immediately. my sweetheart triage nurse sticks around, wanting to know how much i've progressed. they finally get around to checking me... and HURRAY! i'm a 7! my triage nurse congratulates me and passes me off to my new nurse. there is a part of me that is saying "7! hang in there, forget the epi, you can do it!" but just as i think about saying something, my contractions start coming fast and hard and i can feel the control slip. i desperately try to re-focus but i can't quite do it... i'm so tired by this point, that i'm actually thinking about the sleep that i'll (hopefully get) after the birth more than the birth itself!

just when i think i can't take it... the anesth guy shows up. i've been warned by both nurses already - he's an asshole, but he's the best. (why are anesth guys always assholes?)


THE EPIDURAL

yeah. i try and be the model patient - i nod and do everything he asks, i have no questions, i've done this before blah blah. i know i'm in trouble though, because he asks ian to go to the other side of the room. what? i NEED him to hold me through the contractions as i get the epidural. but no.... the nurse is going to hold me and coach me through it. great. epidurals are crazy-scary things... i really needed ian! but no, ian has to stand across the room, pacing nervously. well, as anyone who has had an epidural during labour knows, the hardest part is trying to stay perfectly still when the contraction hits. plus, he kept insisting that i bend over more and more - hello? did you not notice that my stomach is a beach-ball? i can't bend any further! he yelled at me when i tensed up during contractions... and the "little poke" to freeze the area? that was 5 little pokes, and they hurt like mad. in fact, i was so surprised by the 5 pokes, i started to shake... which of course made him mad too. then, when he tried to insert the catheter, he had to try several times. which was agony. clearly the freezing didn't take! at one point, i screamed out - i could help it - and he freaked out at me.

(oh yeah, i forgot to mention the part when he yelled at the nurse for forgetting the "wedge" pillow, and the fun part when my IV started to leak, and my blood was spilling everywhere while i was trying to "hold still" and get a damn needle in my spine)

that's when i started to weep. i couldn't stop, and it made the contractions completely unbearable! it also totally pissed of dr.a-hole. finally, we were done, but by then, i was completely shaken up - and shaking! i got the epidural-shakes. not fun. plus, it took 4 more contractions before the epidural took effect, and of course, between the shakes and the weeping, they weren't the most fun contractions of my life. sheesh.

for the record - i've had nightmares since the birth about the epidural. scarred for life. pretty sure if i were to have another baby *NOT GOING TO HAPPEN* i would not have to worry about opting for an epi.

by the time the epi was working and dr.a-hole left, it was already 5:30-ish. i was able to enjoy about 30 contraction-free minutes (which i cried through, mostly).

PUSHING

once again, i left the epidural for the last minute. just when i started to catch my breath and calm down, my doc appeared, checked me, and i was complete and ready to push. trouble was - i wasn't feeling much of anything. they had to tell me at first when i was having a contraction... but after a few, the pressure because VERY obvious, and i knew.

i wish i could explain properly what pushing is like. i told ian afterwards - it's like putting your fist up against a brick wall, and trying to push one of the bricks out. there is no "give". you feel little to no progress. you're working harder than you have ever in your life, and it feels like it is accomplishing nothing.

can't help thinking back to lili, and the ONE push... i admit, i gave her a kiss when i got home, as a thank you!

anyhoo, although i screamed bloody murder, and really started to think i couldn't do it, i managed to push luci out in only 4 contractions (which felt like an hour - turns out it was only about 20 minutes). they did put her on my tummy at first, but needed to whisk her off pretty quick, as her colour wasn't great and she wasn't crying. it was hard, lying there, watching them work on her. ian was super-emotional this time around (sorry ian!), and i just remember him flitting back and forth between myself and luci, grinning and wiping tears away.

AFTER BIRTH

once she was ok, they cleaned her up, weighed her (8 pounds 10 ounces, but super scrawny! she's allllll length at 22 inches), and finally gave her back to me... that's when i started to realize that something wasn't right. i was feeling really, really far away... in my head i chalked it up the effects of the epi, but pretty soon i realized that something else was going on - i was bleeding, a lot. my poor doc was working quickly to get everything read for the cord donation (we have donated cord blood with each birth), and so it wasn't until i pointed it out that anyone noticed that i was hemmorhaging.

things are sort of blurry after that. i was having trouble staying conscious, which was probably partially due to the fact that i'd slept maybe 6 hours in the last 72. i had nurses hooking me up to an IV (oxytocin) to help my uterus contract and stop the bleeding. i had nurses frantically trying to draw blood, but they weren't getting any (6 attempts in my right arm, 3 in my left - i'm still black and blue). i remember that ian went home just before this all started to happen - i told him to go get some sleep - and i was desperately regretting that decision. i remember feeling like everything was happening to someone else... i was just so far away.

i woke up about an hour later. things had calmed down somewhat - luci was asleep in the basinette next to me, i was on my 2nd bag of oxytocin, and feeling a little more "with it" by then. i ended up staying in the delivery room for 5 hours after the birth, until they could be sure that the bleeding was under control. all this time - not allowed to eat or drink anything, which was horrible, since i hadn't eaten since a protein bar at around 4am. when the hemmorhaging was finally downgraded to "moderate", i was given a cathetar (HORRIBLE HORRIBLE THINGS), allowed a sip of water, and wheeled off to post-partum. the private room i had booked was no longer an option, as i had to go to a different area for more high-risk patients.

POST-PARTUM

i won't say much about it - it's all rather blurry - but i stayed for about 24 hours, and they were extremely challenging. i did not get the bed next to the window - so i was enclosed by curtains in every direction. those who know me - well, i'm VERY clausterphobic when it comes to natural light - i am always opening windows and doors because i feel slightly panicked if i don't have a window nearby. anyway, my poor roomie had a cesarean the night before - a big 10lb 5 ouncer! - and her baby had an infection, so i felt awful for her having to lie there without her baby, listening to luci cry all night.

and cry all night she did. luckily, she let me sleep most of the day - in between visits from ian, the kids, and my parents. that night though, she nursed straight from 1am - 7am. it was agony! i was so miserable. the nurse (aptly named Lucy) was so wonderful and sympathetic... but there was nothing that would soothe her, other than my boob! it was a long night. i was still bleeding quite badly, and so i had a nurse checking on me every hour as well. all told, i went through 4 large bags of oxytocin. crazy.

i managed to sleep from 7-9, and decided that i needed to go home. i talked to the doc, who was reluctant but finally allowed me to be discharged around 11am. my iron was really low, so i'm on supplements for that.

i finally got home at noon, tired, shaken, but madly in love with this little creature named luci.


i'm sure i'm forgetting lots - i shouldn't have waited this long to jot this down - and probably my times are less-than-exact... but that's about it. i can tell you that there is no doubt in my mind about having any more kids. i'm disappointed that i didn't get to go "natural" but i do not regret getting the epidural (even though i am still pissed off at dr.a-hole). after 14 hours, and not sleeping the previous 2 nights, there was no way i could have survived pushing without it.

AFTER-EFFECTS

i'll write more about this stuff later - but one of the freakiest aspects of this birth is the toll it took on my body. after my first night, i woke up unable to move. my arm muscles were aching, my arms themselves were extremely sore (black and blue, i'm telling you) from being poked. my neck and back were aching (from nursing most of the night i bet), and, most troubling, i was having sharp pains in my left leg, throbbing pain in my abdomen on the left side, sharp pain in my back on the left side whenever i took a breath, and i lost all feeling in my ring finger, left hand. i'm still not sure what is going on - it's been nearly a week and although the above symptoms have subsided somewhat, they are still present, and most troubling is that i still have no feeling in my finger. i see my doc tomorrow morning, so hopefully she'll be able to figure it out. i can't help thinking that dr.a-hole and his poor excuse of an epidural procedure had something to do with it... but that could be my rage talking ;)

all right. enough about me... here's a quick update on Luci!

night 1 (at home)- she slept for about 2 hours total. me too. nursed all night long.
night 2 - she slept for about 3 hours total. me too. i'm losing my mind. everything still hurts.
night 3 - miracle! she slept for 4 hours, nursed for 30 minutes, slept for another 3 hours. though i still can't walk well, i feel like a million bucks just from getting some sleep.
night 4 - hooray! she slept for 5 hours, nursed for 30 minutes, slept for another 2 hours, nursed for 30 minutes, slept for another 2 hours.
night 5 - see above! YAY LUCI
night 6 - i'll let you know.

she's healthy, happy, and looks identical to lili at that age, except lili's hair was slightly lighter and curlier.

will post more pics later. this took me forever to type... god i'm long-winded. feel free to skim. thanks for all the well-wishes, can't wait for you all to meet her! i'm hoping to have a 'meet luci' party in the next few weeks.

whew.

Some more...

Ella Lucille Elizabeth

Welcome home to Luci! Will post birth story and more later.

The Eagle has landed!

Ian here on behalf of the missus, just a quick update, it's a healthy baby girl, 8lb 10oz., head like a basketball, except with more curly black hair born at 6:52 am, may 13th. Mary and I up all night and exhausted... going to bed. Pictures to follow shortly.

Update #2

Well, it's 1:47am, and I've been labouring (alone, since Ian is getting his beauty rest LOL) for quite awhile now. Contractions are getting MUCH stronger and are now 2 minutes apart. I'm giving Ian 10 more minutes and then I think we'll head back to the hospital, even though I suspect that I'm only 4-5cm. Because I'm Group B Strep +, I want to ensure I have enough time to get a round or two of antibiotics in me before delivery... and with both Cohen and Lili, I progressed fairly quickly from 5-10.

I've mostly been labouring on the ball here... and I've loved it! With Cohen I laboured almost entirely on my back, with Lili was slightly more educated and laboured mostly on my feet, bent over and swaying back and forth. I think I'll probably alternate between that and the ball for the next while.

Anyways, I'm surprisingly happy and excited - the pain is bad but I'm managing it SO much better than I did with Lili... so far! My big concern at this point is that I'm going to be pretty damn tired...I'm used to being asleep by 11pm! I did crawl into bed and try to sleep after we got home, but it was impossible. So hopefully my protein bars will get me through the night tonight.

I'm so excited to meet this little one, and I'll admit, slightly sad that this will be my last time going through this amazing experience. It's the end to such a beautiful chapter in my life! I'm SO grateful that we have been able to get pregnant so easily, and (so far) give birth to such healthy, happy kids.

OK, time to go! Next update will probably be from Ian...

M.

Update

well, after 2.5 fun-filled hours at L&D, we're back home again... for now. even though my contractions were coming really regular (4 min), they weren't very strong... so when i was assessed, i was only a 3... which is TERRIBLE! lol! i was a 5 when i arrived with lili...

anyways, she sent us walking for an hour, and when we returned, i hadn't made much progress although my contractions had really picked up in strength and were coming 2 minutes apart. the admitting nurse really wanted to convince my doc to rupture my membranes but doc wouldn't bite. we had the choice of walking for another 2 hours, or coming home for a few hours.

so we chose to come home so ian could get some sleep.

it's pretty frustrating... the nurse told me that the thing about baby #3 is that they are usually, in her experience, VERY unpredictable labours - more like 1st labours than 2nd, that way.

so, i'm going to take a bath and read for awhile... and we'll be heading back in 2 hours if not sooner, if things pick up.

i feel sort of silly that we went in so early... but my doc told me, when it's not your first baby, come in when contractions are 5-7 minutes apart at the latest... so i did!

ouch. bath here i come.

m.

well...

i REALLY don't want to jinx anything, but i'm pretty sure it's time. i've been having regular contractions since about 5pm, and for the last 30 minutes they are about 4 minutes apart. (!)

ian isn't home... he's at cohen's soccer game but should be here any minute, at which point we'll send the kids off to my brothers house.

he'll be calling a small number of family to let them know (those who don't blog especially!), and then i'll make sure he calls once it's all over! unfortunately, the CHR only allows visitors during visiting hours, so probably everyone will have to wait until tomorrow to meet her (assuming, of course, this is IT)... not to mention that only grandparents and siblings are allowed to visit (crappy rule)...

anyways, wish us luck!

M

39 weeks, 3 days

yesterday ended up being a nice day. i took the kids to the park for 2 hours (which they LOVED), and spent the rest of the day reading. my neighbors invited me and the kids over for dinner, and it was nice to spend 4 hours NOT thinking constantly about labour and delivery. we talked about it, of course... kristin and i told our previous labour stories and compared notes. she's done at 2 - mostly because her pregnancies were SO awful - puking 1-2x per day for the entire 9 months with both kids, plus mucho puking during both labours.

anyway, when ian got home from work he joined us, so we were able to get our minds off of things for a bit.

woke up to some painful contractions during the night, but just a few, if i remember correctly. this morning, however, i am experiencing some more bloody show and cramping. i figure, i'll take cohen to school, and then take lili to the mall and walk walk walk walk walk.

the one thing i haven't experienced yet - nesting. although with lili, the true nesting urge didn't kick in until the contractions were already 6 minutes apart - what a funny sight i made, cleaning for a 5 minutes or so every minute.

what's making all of this waiting so much worse is the fact that all 3 other ladies i know who were due the same weekend as me have already had their babies. and 2 of them were first time moms. i'm happy for them, but... c'mon now!

all right, must hop in the shower and get the morning show on the road at the swaffield house!

m.

39 weeks, 2 days.

5:51am. i've been awake since 4:00am, due to some sort of crash coming from cohen's room (i'm thinking a lego disaster of some sort). i tried to go back to sleep for awhile, but no luck, and frankly i'm getting sick and tired of lying in bed staring at the wall.

it seems baby wants to stay put for awhile longer. contractions have stopped completely.

plans for today - no plans. ian has to work from 7-7. he didn't plan any mothers' day festivities because he 1) knew he had to work and 2) figured we'd be in labour, having a baby, or home with a new baby. which is ok. he cleaned up some last night with a promise to do even more when he gets home. i think the kids and i will just enjoy a quiet day at home, out in the sunshine.

happy mothers day everyone!

m.

wait... am i even pregnant?

yeah nothing's happening.

however, ian took me out for a spicy dinner (spicy perogy pizza), we went for a long walk, and had some lovin'. that's the best i can do.

i'm hoping i'll at least get some sleep tonight... and maybe tomorrow i'll just spend the day walking up and down the block, eating hot peppers.

btw - happy mothers day to all moms out there!

m.

a little progress

well, we just got home from a busy morning. got gas for the van, went to the bank for a new bank card (i know i'll find my old one any second now), and spent a lonnnnnnnng 1.5 hours grocery shopping. lots of walking. carried all the heavy groceries in to the house myself (6 trips to and from the van, up all of the stairs)...

and... when i went to the washroom i discovered that i've lost my mucous plug, and am experiencing lots of bloody show. SORRY - if that's too detailed for ya... well... close your eyes and visualize a stork... hehe. cohen asked me today how the stork knows which house to visit. before i could answer, he said, and how does the stork get in your privates to help the baby be born?

my response: "look! a bright and shiny object over there!"


yikes!

anyways, this gives me hope (somewhat cautiously, still) that we are no more than a day or so away from meeting this little darling. perhaps she will be a mothers day surprise. which would actually work out well, teehee, as our mothers day plans have changed... ian was supposed to be on his long change - so we'd have the whole day free until around 4pm. his schedule changed last minute, however, and they have him working a day-car - 7am-7pm.

hello, contraction.

i'm back. so my mothers day, if ian is working, isn't looking like too much so far. all i want for mothers day is a clean house though... so maybe ian can get that done for me tonight ;) spending the day with my kids, otherwise, is a good enough day for me. provided they aren't little terrors.

this morning - for example - i was pretty teary... so i sat cohen and lili down and explained that mommy thought baby was coming last night, and is sad that it may take another few days, so if we could be extra nice to mommy today... i'd really appreciate it. i got hugs all around... but when we got to the grocery store, cohen threw a fit when i wouldn't let him get a toy, and cried for at least 45 minutes. it didn't help that this scary old man (ok, scary to cohen, anyways) kept approaching him and trying to cheer him up... argh. anyway, i stuck to my guns and eventually cohen gave up. still, i was pretty red-faced and furious, though we've since had a nice chat and made up.

i will admit, there was a part of me, in the back of my mind, saying "ok, this is fun, now throw a screaming infant into the picture. how do you feel NOW!".

i silenced said voice with some expletatives in my head.

no-one said this was going to be easy... and i've never liked "easy" anyways.

well, let's hope that last night was the trial run, perhaps tonight we'll have the real-deal.

m.

not.

slept for another few hours, and the contractions have stopped. i'm trying to convince myself to stay positive and enjoy the saturday with my kids but i'll be honest - i'm pretty miserable. i have this horrible feeling that birth is still a week or more away. i'm driving myself crazy, which isn't helping!

well, i slept in too late to take lili to ballet this morning (i feel really bad about that, hopefully she won't notice it's saturday), so i'm thinking i've spending as much of the morning as i can on my feet - doing some grocery shopping, taking the kids for a walk, cleaning house (how on earth did the kids manage to make such a mess before 9am?)... and hopefully i'll be able to encourage little miss swaffield to make an appearance.

poor ian... he was really hoping he'd get the day off today. i'm SO glad he didn't call his superintendent at 2am like i urged him to. he's already been told that if he calls in and it turns out to be a false alarm, he loses pay for that shift. nice, eh?

all right. i'm going to try and put this all out of my mind and have a normal saturday.

m.

maybe not.

well it's 5:30... and i have no idea.

i slept for about 2 hours... but the contractions never got very strong. (just strong enough to keep me up all night). at times they seemed to be one on top of another... and the backache was consistent.

but here i sit, and it seems like there is not much going on now.

sigh.

so now i'm just tired and grumpy.

early labour (i think)

well.... i'm almost too superstitious to type this, but...

i think labour has started. now - it could last for days! but i don't think so. i've been having contractions since 8:30 this morning - only they were really painless and irregular. at around 5:30 they started to get slightly more uncomfortable. slightly. ian got home from work and we packed up an overnight bag for the kids. i hopped into the bath around 7, which seemed to make things stall for a little while. 9:30 we went to bed, with the idea that if labour is indeed starting, we'd better get some sleep. well, the contractions started to pick up after that - although i was half asleep, i noticed that my back was starting to hurt more and more, and i was feeling really uncomfortable through my lower abdoman.

anyhoo, they've been about 10-12 minutes apart now for a few hours. still not overly painful. i figure i've got about 3-4 hours at least until things really pick up. i must have slept through this part with Lili!

i just got out of bed for a glass of water... and debated about typing this post. with my luck, i'll fall asleep tonight and everything will stop! oh well, worst case i figure my body is definitely getting ready for the main event.

now i should *try* and get some sleep... aka watch crappy late-night tv until i'm so bored that not even the potential of having my darling baby girl will keep me awake!

ahh crap most likely lili will have to miss ballet again tomorrow.

if anything progresses or changes... i'll hopefully have a chance to post a quick update before we leave. our laptop died a month ago, so i won't be able to update from the hospital.

wish us luck...

m

39 weeks

39 weeks...

had lots of contractions this morning, for a good 2 hours. not very painful, but uncomfortable. i can tell that FINALLY things are starting to progress somewhat... which doesn't mean much, it could still be a week! or two!

took cohen to school, took lili out for breakfast, went to the library, tried to get gas for the van (2 stations were actually OUT of gas!), picked cohen up, dropped off a gift to lili's dayhome, came home, ate lunch...

now i'm going to clean and hope that something starts to happen!

melt snow, melt! i can't believe how much snow there is on the ground!

c'mon out baby! everyone is waiting to meet you!

zzzzzzzzzzzz

i'm totally useless today! i got up at 6am, the neighbors picked up J&B at 7, i made breakfast (ok, poured milk on cereal) for cohen and lili, kissed ian goodbye as he left to teach, and fell back asleep for 1.5 hours. woke up, got the kids dressed, did some straightening up, fell back asleep for 1 hour. woke up, did my hair, got dressed, and made every effort to take the kids to music class.... except the van won't start. the battery is officially kaput. came back inside, made the kids lunch, ate lunch, fell asleep for another 2 hours.

my poor kids, they must be going crazy... somehow they've managed to keep themselves entertained all day. they have not whined or complained once. so, i'm going to make some famous rocky-road squares with them as soon as i'm done here. if i'm still awake.

i hate being stranded here - we have to get a new battery tonight! i was also supposed to go grocery shopping and go to the library this afternoon. luckily my brother offered to pick us up a few things when he goes grocery shopping this afternoon. still, it would be nice to get out of the house!

for awhile today i thought maybe it was THE day... i was feeling really weird and crampy, nauseous, lots of pain... but after 2 hours, it all stopped. i keep reminding myself that baby will be born for sure! but it is still somewhat stressful. i'm a planner... and right now i can't plan anything!

except for our vacation this summer :) here's a pic of where we're going to be... ground level, 10 steps to the beach!



can't wait.

gotta go, i owe some great kids some rocky road squares!

How To Comment

Got an email from someone who wanted me to know that they read this blog but don't know how to comment...

So, here's how! Click on the "0 Comments" (or, 1 Comment or 2 Comments etc etc, whatever it may be) and then you can type your comment... if you are not a blogger, you can just leave an anonymous comment, just put your name in the actual body of the message (assuming of course you want to leave your name).

Hope that helps!

M

Baby's Room

38 weeks, 5 days

had my dr's appointment today. i remember these frustrating appointments - wait for an hour, see the doc for 2 minutes. she measured my uterus (measuring 40 weeks), listened to the hb (150/min) and asked if i had any questions (nope). done.

alas, next week they will check my cervix again (which, with lili, actually helped get things started i think). i booked the appointment for wednesday (rather than Friday, my due date), because hope springs eternal! i'm hoping that i will either 1) not make it to Wednesday or 2) the appointment will get things moving down there.

ideally, i'm hoping for this friday! after friday i have 14 days off from babysitting the neighbors kids... so i'd really like to take advantage of that.

saw a news report the other day about "calgary moms". it was interesting... apparently many calgary moms are "trendy" moms - spending thousands on strollers, diaper bags... they showed one mom who routinely spent over $100 on each onesie for her daughter. and sitting in the dr's office today, i couldn't help noticing how "mom-ish" i felt compared to most of the women that were there. i'm sure they were 99% first time moms... most wearing 3-inch heels and maternity clothes that did NOT come from the bargain bin at Wal-Mart! perfect make-up, perfect hair, handbags that cost more than my car payments. ugh. i felt SO frumpy and out of touch in my brown cords, flip-flops and frayed hoodie. at least lili looked put-together!

i just can't understand how anyone can justify spending that kind of money on a stroller, or a onesie. seriously, i get the whole "it's my money" argument... but c'mon people, have some sort of social conscience! how about, buy a $50 onesie and donate $50 to a battered women's shelter.

yes, i'm somewhat hormonal. and frustrated! how many times do i have to hear "oh, it's your third, you'll be early"... grrr... and the worst thing is, i feel like NOTHING is happening! no changes. contractions off and on during the night- every night!

i'm so anxious to know that baby is ok... and in the back of my mind, i'm pretty anxious to know that i'm ok too. i have to schedule an u/s for 1 week after baby is born.

i'm also anxious to be able to, oh, you know, walk again without feeling like i'm 89 years old! i can't wait to start working out and swimming again.

hey, know what? (lili-ism). it's wednesday and my house is (relatively) clean! that rocks. as slow as i move these days, i still have plenty of time to get the housework done each day. i love it.

all right. i'm going to take a picture of the girls' room and post it tonight... because i realized i forgot to do that months ago!

then i'm going to do some squats while eating spicy food. ;)

m.

38 weeks, 3 days

today is a challenging day! i have all 4 kids (well, cohen's at kindergarten but will be home in about 30 minutes) today, until ian gets out of bed at 2pm. i'm feeling SO uncomfortable... but i forced myself to "pretend" i wasn't pregnant and get some stuff done this morning, and that has made a huge difference in my mental status!

i have to admit, i am loving spending so much time with lili. it's such a great age, and she's such a sweet kid. cohen and i, on the other hand, have been engaged in a battle royale all week. hopefully we'll be able to work it out this week - it's a lot of changes for a 5 year old to deal with, i know, so i'm trying to be patient.

today, i got to bake... which is something i love to do and have basically given up for the last 2 years. lili and i made oatmeal chocolate chip muffins. yum. i would have preferred to make cookies, but alas, my baking "staples" are no longer part of my shopping list, so i was short a few items for cookies. next week!

baby-wise... yesterday i was having contractions for most of the morning... and i though perhaps ian and i could help things along with a little lovin'.... yeah, no. that stopped the contractions all together. worth it though ;)

today, a little crampy. nothing else. i swear i feel like it's a month away still, argh. well, cohen has soccer tonight, which means a nice long (well, it feels long to me dammit) walk. can't hurt.

dr's appointment on wednesday... unfortunately, i'm not seeing my regular doc, which is too bad. i don't know how i'll feel asking a total stranger to "check me" or "rough me up a little" (that's what we did with Lili, and as unpleasant as it was, it worked... if you don't know what i'm talking about, consider yourself lucky). so i may end up just doing the "no, i'm not in labour yet" appointment and hope i don't make it to my 40 week appointment.

frankly, i still have plenty to do! laundry, for one. i have to compile a phone list (a short one... i'm afraid most everyone will be hearing via email/blog/facebook ... what a world), finish packing my bag, and find somewhere to take my 2 kids! they were originally supposed to stay with my brother dale, but they're moving into a new house on the 15th, so i imagine that it won't be convenient for them to take cohen and lili now... our back up plan was my neighbors, but they're going out of town, next week i believe.

so, yeah. guess i should get on that one, eh? i think we'll probably send them to my brothers, since he's only 5 minutes away, and then make arrangements for someone else to pick them up from there.

yikes, time to pick up cohen! only a few more hours until ian gets up YAY!

a little vomit goes a long way

groan, last night was a disaster. only minutes after i finished my last post, i sat down, put some beethoven on, picked up my book and thought "ahhhhh".

then i heard the puke hit the floor.

poor julia got sick everywhere - on lili's bed, on lili's floor (which was covered with toys and clothes), on the bathroom floor, in the bathroom sink...

now, i'm not afraid of a little vomit. i am afraid of vomit when i'm less than 2 weeks from giving birth and it is possibly contagious vomit. however, i did what i could - snapped on some of ian's gloves from the ambulance, grabbed some garbage bags to stick all the toys in, and went to work with the lysol. i got julia changed and called her dad so he could pick her up, and cleaned up the best i could. i carried lili out of her bed and made her wash her hands 10x or so with anti-bacterial soap (not that it's gonna help but boy, sure made me feel like i was doing SOMETHING).

after julia was gone, lili and i hunkered down in my bed, and i tried not to think about the possibility of me becoming sick. we chatted some, and then started to drift off to sleep... until we both were startled awake by the sound of one of her dolls talking - by itself - down the hall. to be honest, i was probably more scared than she was, since i grew up with the whole Chuckie movie. Too funny. it happened a few more times, and the last one cohen came running down the hall into the bed with us.

the bed was somewhat crowded. cohen wanted to sleep with his arms wrapped TIGHTLY around my neck... lili was snoring... and as i lay there, wide awake at 2am, i started to wonder when the last time i'd felt the baby kick was.

of course, once you start that train of thought, good luck getting off of it. no matter how much gentle prodding, pushing, shifting i attempted, i could not get baby to respond. now, i've been here before, a few times... so i told myself not to panic, she's probably as ian would say, lazy like us! so i drifted off to sleep... only to awake 20 minutes later having to pee. fine. so i go to the washroom, come back into bed, and push and prod some more. still no baby. i drift off to sleep. wake up 30 minutes later to my cat, freaking out for some reason. i wake up, get up, look around, no intruder, no mouse, no bird. go back to bed, feel baby kick me, relax a little, go back to sleep.

etc.

i probably got an hour or two of sleep at the most. when ian got home this morning, i wanted to cry - i was so tired, and my back and hips were aching from a restless, cramped sleep. he fed the kids breakfast for me and told me to stay in bed... but i was in agony, so i had a bath. got out of the bath feeling worse almost, and crashed on the couch - for 3 hours! i just woke up. i'm feeling slightly better now.

i vow not to do anything today. i was going to go to the library, but seriously, i think i'm not even going to do that. i'm just going to read, watch tv, play with the kids, and that's all! i have to remind myself, labour could hit at any time, and i really need to be rested.

anyways. despite my discomfort, i am getting more and more excited to meet this little one. i can't imagine for the life of me what she'll look like, and i can't wait for those little newborn sounds she'll make when she's nursing, or the way they look at you with such wonder and trust. there is nothing more fulfilling than holding a sleeping baby in your arms. i can't wait to smell her hair and kiss her tiny fingers. this has been such an uncomfortable and exhausting pregnancy, and i'll admit that at times i wondered if we'd made the right decision... but now, only weeks away, i know it'll all be worth it.

can't wait to meet you, sweet-pea.

ay, there's the rub

whew, 9:47pm, the day is over! time for some fruit and my book. but first, a short and funny story:

today at my pedicure, i had the nicest lady from ireland. she was VERY excited that i was pregnant, and definitely wanted to chat all about it (frankly i was hoping for silence so i could just relax, but ok, i can talk baby-talk for awhile). her youngest child, it turns out, was 30... my age. it's amazing, women can remember every detail about giving birth, 30 years later!

anyways, my feet were in rough shape (no pun intended), because of course, i haven't been able to see my feet in 2 months nor reach them for at least 1 month. she promised to "pretty them right up" but then apologized that i wouldn't be able to have the foot massage.

"WHAT?" i asked, horrified. the foot massage is my favourite part of a pedicure. since i have arthritis in my feet, any foot massage feels like instant heaven to me, and my orthopedic surgeon actually told ian that he MUST give me at least one foot massage each week to keep the nerves from bundling. ok, way too much info, sorry. anyways...

it turns out that they have a "no massage" policy for pregnant women, as foot rubs have been known to start labour.

"well for gods sake," i replied, somewhat loudly, "MASSAGE AWAY!"

alas, no amount of begging or pleading would work. hey, i can understand if i still had a month to go or something... but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP A 38 WEEKER OUT!

so, as much as i enjoyed my pedi today, and as beautiful as my (swollen) feet look, i had to live without the massage.

and woe is me, ian is working nights, so i can't even get a rain cheque from him.

38 weeks, 1 day

Day 2 of mat leave was just as busy! i'm really quite anxious for things to settle down, at least a little... yesterday lili and i went shopping at toys'r'us - always a mistake! i got a travel system, which i'm moderately happy with - i don't love the handle of the infant carseat, but i'll live. the salesperson kept trying to upsell, and i felt bad for her - it must be frustrating dealing with non-first-time-moms, as i wasn't falling for her "spending $1000 on a stroller is normal" routine.

i also bought another booster seat for lili, as one of ours seems to have disappeared. plus a baby bathtub, a changetable pad (doesn't fit, have to take it back grrr), and a few other trinkets. all in all i spent far more than i wanted to, but i'm ok with it.

cohen had a friend over for a playdate afterwards, and it was challenging. some kids are just... unique, let's say. luckily, they mostly played outside, so i was able to spend the entire time cleaning! i'm obsessed! i cleaned our bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen (again, let's be serious, it's an every day event), then went outside and decided that no way could i possibly put a brand-spanking-new carseat in our FILTHY van, so i cleaned out the van too. by 4pm, i was completely exhausted, and fell asleep until 5:30, at which point ian came home.

we dropped the kids off at my brothers house, and for our "date", ian and i drove to airdrie to pick up a tiny-love mobile that i found on kijiji.ca. we had this mobile with lili and she absolutely LOVED it - she would stare at it for hours. since we had gotten rid or hers, i have been resolutely scouring the net for a used one (i can't justify paying that much for a mobile.. twice in one lifetime). the one i finally found was in airdrie... so off we went. we got lost, of course (i ALWAYS get lost in airdrie, town of the 5 exits) and after much arguing, finally found the place. we decided to have dinner at the mcdonalds there - this is where ian and i reunited when he first moved to calgary. i remember him picking me up in his arms and swinging me around before kissing me when i first walked in to the mcdonalds, almost 12 years ago... ahhh, the days of romance!

afterwards, we drove home, watched jeopardy, law and order and family guy while putting together the stroller (no blood this time, we must be getting good at it), and then i went to bed. part of me wishes we'd gone out - saw a movie or something - but honestly, i was so tired already! oh well.

today is busy too... in a few hours, my cousin and his family are coming for breakfast, so i have to go pick up the kids... i'm skipping ballet this morning (seriously, i can only do so much). then i'm going for my birthday pedicure at 1pm, and probably will do a little shopping afterwards. my brother is dropping julia off for a sleepover at dinner time, and then i'm hosting the alberta winds board meeting here at 6:30.

tomorrow, i swear, i am doing nothing but playing with my kids and reading a book. sheesh.

i'm not sure if it has really hit me yet that i have a year "off". i don't know. i'm so focussed on this baby, it's hard to think of anything else. it's been a LONG time since i had a baby, so i'm really not sure what to expect in terms of my emotions.

we'll see. i'm definitely not feeling like labour is approaching - feels like it could still be a month away - god forbid! i definitely don't fall asleep at night thinking "this could be the night" or anything. less than 2 weeks until my due date... and yet it feels like i still have months to wait. sigh.

Mat leave - Day 1

6:00am - wake up before the alarm. Smile. Snuggle up to Ian.
6:30am - wake up to the alarm. Smile. Hear Ian in the shower... poor guy.
6:35am - wake up to 4 year old daughter jumping on the bed. Smile. Get up.
7:00am - J&B get picked up by their parents. Make breakfast for Cohen and Lili.
7:15 am - realize that we have 1.5 hours still before we have to leave. Start to fold laundry and do some work on the budget.
8:30am - leave house to take Cohen to school.
9:00am - take Lili to Beaners so they can fix the terrible job they did last week.
9:30am - back at home - do dishes, do laundry, fold laundry, clean bathroom, make beds
10:30am - snuggle with Lili
10:45am - shower for 30 minutes. shave legs. leave conditioner in as advised on bottle.
11:30am - leave to pick up Cohen from school
11:50am - take kids out for lunch to celebrate them having their mom back for a year
11:51am - starting to miss daycare, as the kids fight with eachother all the way through lunch
12:45pm - pick up neice Julia, take all 3 kids to music class.
1:15pm - Kodaly level 2 - I'm surprised to learn that Cohen can easily read rhythms with sixteenth notes
2:00pm - Kodaly level 1 - Lili astounds me with her ability to match pitches effortlessly
2:45pm - back in van, off to the Dr with the three kids in tow
3:00pm - waiting in Dr's office
3:45pm - still waiting in Dr's office, amazed that all three kids are behaving so well
3:50pm - waiting in the little room now
4:00pm - finally see Dr - everything looks good, I'm Group B Strep + (no surprise), she tells me to make an appointment for next week but says she'll be surprised if I make it that far. I tell her that by saying that, she has guaranteed that I'll make it right to 40 weeks.
4:15pm - back in van, dropping Julia off
4:30pm - home, finally. Start to read book, fall asleep rather quickly.
6:00pm - Ian comes home, I wake up, he asks "what's for dinner?" Oops.
6:05pm - order pizza
6:10pm - really bad back pain,decide to take a bath
7:00pm - pizza arrives, eat
7:45pm - put kids to bed
8:00pm - watch LOST with Ian
9:00pm - fold laundry, NESTING HITS!
9:30pm - clean washroom
10:00pm - clean bedroom
10:30pm - snuggle with Ian, go to sleep!

It was a nice day... a little busy perhaps but it was nice to be able to spend so much time with the kids... Day 2 is going to be awesome - shopping for a new carseat with Lili, Cohen has a friend coming over for a playdate, and then my brother is taking Cohen and Lili for a sleepover so that Ian and I can have one last "date night"!

Not working feels great... even if I've checked my work email a dozen times already!

last day of work

last day at work. the day is going surprisingly fast. this morning i was greeted with more car problems - the speedometer isn't working on the van... but that's ok. i've driven here pretty much every weekday for the last 2+ years - i could probably do it in my sleep and not break the speed limit. my co-workers presented me with a lovely bouquet of roses today - and a pizza lunch! so it's been a nice, relaxing day.

it's hard to fathom, not having to get up and go to work tomorrow. this day has seemed like some sort of weird fantasy for so long. how i envied those moms who actually had maternity leave when i had cohen and lili! and now i'll have my chance. my brain is already trying to fill up every minute of every day with lists of things to do... but i keep telling my brain to f-off for now! it's spring, and beyond some basic housekeeping, i plan to spend the next week or so sitting out on my deck, reading and eating lots of fruit salad.

tomorrow i have my 38 week appointment with my doc.

tomorrow i also get to go to kodaly with my kids - something i've desperately missed this year, and am looking forward to next year. i can actually make it to cohen's field trips for the rest of the year, and next. i can volunteer at his school - something i've been wanting to do. i can go shopping in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, thereby avoiding the crowds. i can go for a walk whenever i want (baby permitting LOL). i don't have to wait until saturday to clean the floors. i can do laundry any time of day.

i can watch - and make fun of - dr phil every day, if i want to.

i can *gasp* even practice music.

so, happy last day of work to me! no more fighting traffic (well, at least not at rush hour every single day!)

m.