October 12, 2007

Could it really be? Is the worst behind me?

WOW do I ever feel like a new person. (except tonight but I'm chalking that up to a really busy day at work). Since Saturday, I have turned the corner! Suddenly I have lots of energy, and the drive to get some work done again, thank goodness! No need for naps... until tonight, when I slept for 2 hours after work. But that's ok, cause I actually had 2 hours to spare.

I've been doing a lot of shopping lately. usedcalgary.com is SO great for buying second-hand baby stuff. Also - I found this site called freecycle, where people offer their stuff for FREE. You have to be really fast, (aka check your email 10x per day), because the good stuff goes like the wind. I'm having lots of fun, and the truth is, I love second-hand baby stuff, because that's part of the magic of motherhood - passing it all on. I loved passing on Cohen and Lili's stuff (except for a few items which were just too precious for me to let go) - some to friends, some to friends of friends, once to a single mom my own mom met at bingo, some to neighbors, etc etc. Kids clothes and items are SO expensive and they go through everything so quickly, it really only makes sense to pass it all on. And it's part of the sisterhood of being a mom.

Everyone is asking whether I have a feeling regarding the sex of the baby... well, no, although I've always thought that my third would likely be a boy. Probably because I was the middle child, and the only girl. Frankly, I'm ok either way - if we have a healthy child, making 3 healthy children in a row, I will be absolutely over the moon.

Read a story today about a little girl, 8 years old, who is currently fighting cancer for the 3rd time. She is Stage 4... and not likely to make it to her 9th birthday, but she never loses hope. I bawled, reading this article. I can't even imagine what the parents must be going through. I'm always aware that things like this can happen to anyone at anytime - and every morning that I wake up to their smiling faces, I feel a wave of relief that we have another day of being healthy and happy together. Sometimes I wonder how brave we are, humans, to be willing to care so much for our offspring. The risk is so high. If anything were to happen to Cohen or Lili - or this baby - I just don't know how I would handle it. I would lose myself.

You can't dwell on these things... but most moms I know will tell you that it's a thought that creeps into your mind every so often, like a reminder.

Which reminds me of something sort of interesting - when the kids were babies, wherever we went my mind used to always be filled with every possible (however unlikely) threat that could possibly present itself to my child. A knife-wielding assailant. An earthquake. A tornado. A baby-snatcher. You name it, I'd picture it, in GREAT details. Without even really being aware I was doing it. And I'd envision the entire scenario, right into my reaction and the various possible actions I could take and their probable outcomes.

Turns out - this is extremely common. It's some sort of weird survival instinct. Mental preparation for the worst-case scenario. Was I really afraid that something like this would happen? Not in any real sense. But there's always a part of me that wanted to be prepared. I was, after all, a Girl Guide for many years, haha.

Well, I'm past the 2 month mark, and I can honestly say that so far, time is flying by at a speed that has me slightly panicked. I am looking forward to taking my 2008 vacation time early in the year - maybe in January, as Ian gets 12 paid days off in January too. Although he does get 12 days in April too, so maybe I should take it then... I dunno.

All right, off to bed, tomorrow is Friday hurray!

M.

1 comments:

Jillian Camwell October 13, 2007 at 10:14 AM  

I'm so glad you're feeling better!

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