October 17, 2007

Reality Check.

alas, i spoke too soon.

i'm desperately hoping for a change in the tides here, because life is only going to get busier and more tiring. starting in a month, we will be babysitting the neighbors kids two days and two nights per week (well, per 8 days). i'm going to need all the energy i can get!

in fact, we babysat the neighbors kids on saturday evening. (disclaimer: i know that the politically correct thing would be for me to keep this blog purely joyful. however, i am nothing if not honest and realistic. i think too often women - mothers in particular - shy away from being honest about the not-so-positive aspects of motherhood. thus:). after fighting with the 2 year old for an hour at the dinner table (she may be allowed to eat with her hands at her house, but not here!), breaking up a few arguements, trying to remember what it means to babyproof (i've become so spoiled... reality check!), negotiating a bed-time snack to satisfy the three kids while trying to feed the baby, and then the coup de grace - being woken up every hour by a teething 10 month old with a fever, who finally fell asleep around 6am only to be woken up by the two girls fighting over god knows what...

well, after all of that, finally handing the kids back to the neighbors once they got off shift at 9am, i cried for an hour straight. i was convinced that having another baby was a terrible mistake. (never mind agreeing to babysit the neighbors kids 4x per week, i won't even go there). i've been done with diapers for nearly a year. my kids walk to the car, and can open the doors and climb in, and even buckle themselves up. they brush their own teeth. they know how to make themselves breakfast. they sleep through the night, and always have. they have all of their teeth (minus one for cohen). they know how to walk, and how to talk, and have a good handle on emotions.

WHY OH WHY would i choose to start all over again with a third child??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????


I cried and cried. And the GUILT of having these thoughts WHILE PREGNANT - as though baby could somehow sense my feelings... oh the guilt!!!!

i managed to calm myself down eventually. first of all, i told myself, it is normal to feel very frustrated having spent a night not sleeping because of a child that is NOT YOUR OWN. i know i will feel different (frustrated, still, but in love, too) with my own child, should they not prove to be as adept at sleeping as the first two were. second of all, the years fly by. i'll blink, and this baby will also be buckling him/herself up. the first few years are so challenging. but they go so fast.

i really want this baby. i just can't hide from the fact that we're giving up a lot of freedom to do this. i know it will be worth it. and i know i will be better able to handle 5 kids when i'm not doing it after having worked for 8 hours (plus the 1.5 hours getting the kids ready in the am) and while dealing with some wicked nasea and fatigue.

which, incidentally, is not being helped by my staying up past midnight to blog.

and so...

M.

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