the birth story (VERY LONG. FEEL FREE TO SKIM!)

I've been meaning to post forever - but recovery has been more difficult than anticipated! Luci is sleeping right now, so perhaps if I type fast enough I'll get most of it in!

This is going to be long... (who me?) but I don't want to forget it either, since I'll NEVER go through it again!

LABOUR

I started really noticing contractions around 5pm. Because of the previous 48 hours of false-alarms and what-if's, I was reluctant to believe that this was "it" even though the contractions were more painful than any previous. Ian and I took the kids to the mall to walk around for awhile, and then came home to eat dinner and get ready to go to Cohen's soccer game. at around 6pm, it was time to go to soccer, and I decided that I should probably not attempt the walk, as I was feeling pretty yucky by that point. I told Ian it was "probably" time... but that he should take Cohen to soccer anyways, as I'm sure we had hours to go.

7:15, Ian returns from soccer, and finds me pretty much standing at the door, bags in hand. Contractions are about 4 minutes apart. I'm pretty confused - my doc told me to come when they were 5-7 minutes apart, and not to hesitate because with this being my 3rd, baby would likely come fast. However, these contractions are not as painful as I remembered with Lili. At this point I'm still able to talk during the contractions, although it's becoming more difficult. We decide to go anyways - worst thing they can do is send us home! We pack up the kids, and drop them off at my brothers new house - just a few blocks away. The kids are falling over themselves with excitement - pretty adorable!

After we dropped the kids off, we took the long way to the hospital, (I'm still worried this is a false alarm, based on the pain levels). We arrived at the hospital around 9pm, and contractions are now 3-4 minutes apart. We check in, and as soon as they hear this is our 3rd child, we're immediately ushered into an L&D triage room. I'm hooked up to the monitors, and sure enough, contractions are coming 3-4 minutes apart and are "relatively strong". After 10 minutes, the triage nurse comes in to check me.

"oh dear", she says. "you're only a 3".

WHAT???? I'm devestated. When I got to the hospital with Lili, I was a 5.

She tells us to go walk for an hour and come back. My bag of waters is bulging, she says, and probably stopping me from dilating. "walk, and hope that you rupture!" she tells us.

So off we go, walking. After about 20 minutes, the contractions are starting to get noticably stronger. I'm hopeful.

10:15pm, we return to triage. Hooked up again, the nurse exclaims over the change in the strength of my contractions. I can no longer talk through them, and start concentrating instead on deep, rhythmic breathing, and forcing myself to relax and "go into" the pain. I'm sure, by now, I'm a 4 or at least a 5. 4, I know, is the magic number for me to stay.

"oh dear," she says. "you're still a 3". I want to cry. She leaves the room, and I hear her talking to the on-call doc. She's pleading my case for me, hoping they'll rupture my membranes and let me stay. No go. She tells us we can walk for another 2 hours or so, or go home.

We go home. Get home around 12:30pm. Contractions are getting really uncomfortable, but I can see Ian needs some sleep, so I send him to bed, and I sit myself on the ball, trying to do some visualization. I also watch lots of crappy tv, which keeps my mind off of things. At 2am, I realize that I'm having more and more trouble concentrating on the tv even in-between contractions. I decide to let Ian sleep until 2:30. 2:30, wake Ian up, he showers, and we're off! Hurray! Time to have a baby!

3:15 we arrive back at the hospital, and our beloved nurse is excited to see us. "I knew you'd be back!" she said. Haha. Back to triage, hooked up again, she is excited by the strength of these contractions. "Monster contractions!" she says. And checks me.

"oh dear," she mumbles. "you're still a 3. well... let's say 3-4. i'm gonna write down 4".

I am absolutely flabbergasted, and in that instant, I hate every person who told me that my third child would just "fall out".

The nurse comments "3rd babies are a lot like the 1st... unpredictable!"

great.

we are allowed to stay, but have to stay in triage. turns out it's a busy night at L&D, and there are no beds. In addition, the doc on call for my practice has a woman in labour with twins currently. i'm ok though, as long as i can stay.

pretty quick the contractions start to escalate, and now i'm not just breathing through them, i'm moaning through them. i'm on my feet at first, but this time, it turns out that i'm most comfortable sitting down.

now, let me say - my "birth plan" up to this point had been to go natural. with cohen there was no hope of that thanks to the induction (contractions 60-90 seconds long 2 minutes apart from the start - for 12 hours!). with lili, i got one - and gave birth less than 30 minutes later... and always wished that i'd known i was that close before getting the epidural! so this time, i figured, things would likely go even more smooth than they did with lili (5 hours of labour, 1 push)...

yeah, not so much. by 4am, i was exhausted and starting to have images of the smiling, happy anesthesiologist. i told ian, and he asked if i was sure. (he was supposed to say a lot of other things, but i think he secretly wanted me to have the epidural so i'd stop with the moaning). i said "i think so".

4:30, we're told that they have a room open for us in L&D, finally. my water still has not broken. i'm terrified that i'm still a 4.

4:45 we're settling into our delivery room, and ian immediately tells my nurse that i'm going to want an epi. she goes to call the anesthesiologist immediately. my sweetheart triage nurse sticks around, wanting to know how much i've progressed. they finally get around to checking me... and HURRAY! i'm a 7! my triage nurse congratulates me and passes me off to my new nurse. there is a part of me that is saying "7! hang in there, forget the epi, you can do it!" but just as i think about saying something, my contractions start coming fast and hard and i can feel the control slip. i desperately try to re-focus but i can't quite do it... i'm so tired by this point, that i'm actually thinking about the sleep that i'll (hopefully get) after the birth more than the birth itself!

just when i think i can't take it... the anesth guy shows up. i've been warned by both nurses already - he's an asshole, but he's the best. (why are anesth guys always assholes?)


THE EPIDURAL

yeah. i try and be the model patient - i nod and do everything he asks, i have no questions, i've done this before blah blah. i know i'm in trouble though, because he asks ian to go to the other side of the room. what? i NEED him to hold me through the contractions as i get the epidural. but no.... the nurse is going to hold me and coach me through it. great. epidurals are crazy-scary things... i really needed ian! but no, ian has to stand across the room, pacing nervously. well, as anyone who has had an epidural during labour knows, the hardest part is trying to stay perfectly still when the contraction hits. plus, he kept insisting that i bend over more and more - hello? did you not notice that my stomach is a beach-ball? i can't bend any further! he yelled at me when i tensed up during contractions... and the "little poke" to freeze the area? that was 5 little pokes, and they hurt like mad. in fact, i was so surprised by the 5 pokes, i started to shake... which of course made him mad too. then, when he tried to insert the catheter, he had to try several times. which was agony. clearly the freezing didn't take! at one point, i screamed out - i could help it - and he freaked out at me.

(oh yeah, i forgot to mention the part when he yelled at the nurse for forgetting the "wedge" pillow, and the fun part when my IV started to leak, and my blood was spilling everywhere while i was trying to "hold still" and get a damn needle in my spine)

that's when i started to weep. i couldn't stop, and it made the contractions completely unbearable! it also totally pissed of dr.a-hole. finally, we were done, but by then, i was completely shaken up - and shaking! i got the epidural-shakes. not fun. plus, it took 4 more contractions before the epidural took effect, and of course, between the shakes and the weeping, they weren't the most fun contractions of my life. sheesh.

for the record - i've had nightmares since the birth about the epidural. scarred for life. pretty sure if i were to have another baby *NOT GOING TO HAPPEN* i would not have to worry about opting for an epi.

by the time the epi was working and dr.a-hole left, it was already 5:30-ish. i was able to enjoy about 30 contraction-free minutes (which i cried through, mostly).

PUSHING

once again, i left the epidural for the last minute. just when i started to catch my breath and calm down, my doc appeared, checked me, and i was complete and ready to push. trouble was - i wasn't feeling much of anything. they had to tell me at first when i was having a contraction... but after a few, the pressure because VERY obvious, and i knew.

i wish i could explain properly what pushing is like. i told ian afterwards - it's like putting your fist up against a brick wall, and trying to push one of the bricks out. there is no "give". you feel little to no progress. you're working harder than you have ever in your life, and it feels like it is accomplishing nothing.

can't help thinking back to lili, and the ONE push... i admit, i gave her a kiss when i got home, as a thank you!

anyhoo, although i screamed bloody murder, and really started to think i couldn't do it, i managed to push luci out in only 4 contractions (which felt like an hour - turns out it was only about 20 minutes). they did put her on my tummy at first, but needed to whisk her off pretty quick, as her colour wasn't great and she wasn't crying. it was hard, lying there, watching them work on her. ian was super-emotional this time around (sorry ian!), and i just remember him flitting back and forth between myself and luci, grinning and wiping tears away.

AFTER BIRTH

once she was ok, they cleaned her up, weighed her (8 pounds 10 ounces, but super scrawny! she's allllll length at 22 inches), and finally gave her back to me... that's when i started to realize that something wasn't right. i was feeling really, really far away... in my head i chalked it up the effects of the epi, but pretty soon i realized that something else was going on - i was bleeding, a lot. my poor doc was working quickly to get everything read for the cord donation (we have donated cord blood with each birth), and so it wasn't until i pointed it out that anyone noticed that i was hemmorhaging.

things are sort of blurry after that. i was having trouble staying conscious, which was probably partially due to the fact that i'd slept maybe 6 hours in the last 72. i had nurses hooking me up to an IV (oxytocin) to help my uterus contract and stop the bleeding. i had nurses frantically trying to draw blood, but they weren't getting any (6 attempts in my right arm, 3 in my left - i'm still black and blue). i remember that ian went home just before this all started to happen - i told him to go get some sleep - and i was desperately regretting that decision. i remember feeling like everything was happening to someone else... i was just so far away.

i woke up about an hour later. things had calmed down somewhat - luci was asleep in the basinette next to me, i was on my 2nd bag of oxytocin, and feeling a little more "with it" by then. i ended up staying in the delivery room for 5 hours after the birth, until they could be sure that the bleeding was under control. all this time - not allowed to eat or drink anything, which was horrible, since i hadn't eaten since a protein bar at around 4am. when the hemmorhaging was finally downgraded to "moderate", i was given a cathetar (HORRIBLE HORRIBLE THINGS), allowed a sip of water, and wheeled off to post-partum. the private room i had booked was no longer an option, as i had to go to a different area for more high-risk patients.

POST-PARTUM

i won't say much about it - it's all rather blurry - but i stayed for about 24 hours, and they were extremely challenging. i did not get the bed next to the window - so i was enclosed by curtains in every direction. those who know me - well, i'm VERY clausterphobic when it comes to natural light - i am always opening windows and doors because i feel slightly panicked if i don't have a window nearby. anyway, my poor roomie had a cesarean the night before - a big 10lb 5 ouncer! - and her baby had an infection, so i felt awful for her having to lie there without her baby, listening to luci cry all night.

and cry all night she did. luckily, she let me sleep most of the day - in between visits from ian, the kids, and my parents. that night though, she nursed straight from 1am - 7am. it was agony! i was so miserable. the nurse (aptly named Lucy) was so wonderful and sympathetic... but there was nothing that would soothe her, other than my boob! it was a long night. i was still bleeding quite badly, and so i had a nurse checking on me every hour as well. all told, i went through 4 large bags of oxytocin. crazy.

i managed to sleep from 7-9, and decided that i needed to go home. i talked to the doc, who was reluctant but finally allowed me to be discharged around 11am. my iron was really low, so i'm on supplements for that.

i finally got home at noon, tired, shaken, but madly in love with this little creature named luci.


i'm sure i'm forgetting lots - i shouldn't have waited this long to jot this down - and probably my times are less-than-exact... but that's about it. i can tell you that there is no doubt in my mind about having any more kids. i'm disappointed that i didn't get to go "natural" but i do not regret getting the epidural (even though i am still pissed off at dr.a-hole). after 14 hours, and not sleeping the previous 2 nights, there was no way i could have survived pushing without it.

AFTER-EFFECTS

i'll write more about this stuff later - but one of the freakiest aspects of this birth is the toll it took on my body. after my first night, i woke up unable to move. my arm muscles were aching, my arms themselves were extremely sore (black and blue, i'm telling you) from being poked. my neck and back were aching (from nursing most of the night i bet), and, most troubling, i was having sharp pains in my left leg, throbbing pain in my abdomen on the left side, sharp pain in my back on the left side whenever i took a breath, and i lost all feeling in my ring finger, left hand. i'm still not sure what is going on - it's been nearly a week and although the above symptoms have subsided somewhat, they are still present, and most troubling is that i still have no feeling in my finger. i see my doc tomorrow morning, so hopefully she'll be able to figure it out. i can't help thinking that dr.a-hole and his poor excuse of an epidural procedure had something to do with it... but that could be my rage talking ;)

all right. enough about me... here's a quick update on Luci!

night 1 (at home)- she slept for about 2 hours total. me too. nursed all night long.
night 2 - she slept for about 3 hours total. me too. i'm losing my mind. everything still hurts.
night 3 - miracle! she slept for 4 hours, nursed for 30 minutes, slept for another 3 hours. though i still can't walk well, i feel like a million bucks just from getting some sleep.
night 4 - hooray! she slept for 5 hours, nursed for 30 minutes, slept for another 2 hours, nursed for 30 minutes, slept for another 2 hours.
night 5 - see above! YAY LUCI
night 6 - i'll let you know.

she's healthy, happy, and looks identical to lili at that age, except lili's hair was slightly lighter and curlier.

will post more pics later. this took me forever to type... god i'm long-winded. feel free to skim. thanks for all the well-wishes, can't wait for you all to meet her! i'm hoping to have a 'meet luci' party in the next few weeks.

whew.