Hockey Mom

I'm now officially a hockey mom. Cohen's tryouts are finished, and practices start this Saturday. 2 ice-times per weekend.

I'm trying not to think about it, because to be honest, I'm already slightly overwhelmed. Surely you've noticed, by way of my complete cessation of any blog-related activity.

I'm trying to stay positive about it - I've been sick for close to a month, first with a stomach bug and then this relentless cold that turned into laryngitis. Plus, I've ended up doing far more teaching than I anticipated. I only have a handful of private students, but I'm getting plenty of calls to teach clinics. Which is great. In theory. Except now I am sort of feeling like this "leave" is not really happening.

And I'm torn - because I LOVE teaching, it gives me a high like nothing else... but wow, do I ever dread it before it happens. It's just one more thing on my clogged calendar, one more appointment I'm terrified of missing, one more reason to have to leave the house and look decent... ugh. Once I'm there, though, MAN is it ever great. And I feel great afterwards.

But - I'm so hyper-conscious of time ticking away. In fact, I'd almost say that it's causing a fairly high level of anxiety. Vicious circle - I'm spending too much of my limited time on mat leave worrying about my mat leave being over. It's stupid, and I know it... but I feel helpless to stop it, mainly because I know that very, very soon I will need to make some really big, really life-altering decisions about my future.

At least twice a day for the last month, it's occurred to me that I would really love to stay home. I love driving Cohen to school, and actually having the time to walk him in, take his jacket off, help him change his shoes, hug him goodbye while I have a few words with his teacher. Last year, it was so different - I'd almost always be late, and I'd drop him off in the parking lot, wave goodbye and race off to work. I probably said 5 words to his teacher all year. I had no idea what was going on. Now I'm part of Parent Council (yes, the cliched PTA), and have a great relationship with Cohen's teacher. My favourite thing, too, is after school - last year, Cohen went to student care until 6pm. 6pm! That's craziness! Now I pick him up, and we take our time (on the days that we don't have any activities planned)... Lili and Cohen play on the playground with the other students, while I chat with other moms. Afterwards, we'll sometimes stop for a slurpee or donut on the way home. We'll chat about what happened at school that day... the answers are far more satisfying and complete when not 3 hours removed from class.

And you know what would make all of this even better? If I would stop trying to do so much. Honestly, it's the days that I have no students or clinics or meetings or or or or that I enjoy the most. But then, if I didn't have those super-busy days, perhaps I would appreciate the non-busy days less.

Sigh.

So, in my quest to make THE decision, I'm going to have to take a really good look at what would have to happen in order for me to stay at home. The pros and cons. Financial considerations.

Not to mention - the really strong side of me that NEEDS to work. And how about the side of me that is desperate to go back and do another degree? How can I afford to go back to school if I'm not working? On the other hand - how can I possibly handle going back to school WHILE working?

I tell myself - I can ALWAYS go back to school. No reason it needs to be now. I can even do a course or two per semester online. But - the kids will only be this young once. They need me.

I don't know. Being a mom is the most amazing thing, and I really feel like I half-assed it all of last year, working so much. This year is the first time I've really felt MOMish. But. Financially, we'd have to give up a lot of stuff for me to stay at home. Like the dream of buying a house, ever.

I can't put off making a decision for much longer. Or can I? Perhaps I just go back to my old job - which I still love - and see how it feels to be away from the kids. Of course, by my calculations, 2/3 of my monthly income will go towards childcare.

Yeah. Jeez, thinking about that now - how can it possibly be worth it?

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So - along with this, I was recently reading a book called "the feminist mistake". Essentially, the author felt that too many women are making the mistake of giving up their career to be full-time "moms", only to find that one of the following situations would occur: children would grow up, and mom would find herself with no self-worth or self at all; husband would leave wife, leaving her with no job, no savings, and no self-worth.

the message - staying at home to raise your children is a dangerous risk, considering that the risk of divorce is 50% and the risk of your children growing up and leaving you (god willing) is 100%, it's in your best interest to work.

i can see many good reasons to work, as a mom, and i have enormous respect for those who do: even on my worst day of exhaustion since my mat leave started, i have come nowhere close to the daily exhaustion i felt being a "working" mom. however, i don't think that the fear of divorce is a good reason. i'm all for making plans and saving and being realistic... but i just think that if you truly want to stay at home with your kids and you can make it work, (and, for the record, those who choose to work have my equal respect - i truly believe that you can be just as good of a mom when working...but it is a lot more work in the end), then do so.

i think, too, as i write this, that it's different when your kids are really little. there are those who think that it's best to stay at home until the kids start school... but i'm finding it's almost the opposite. of course, i think i should be there for luci in her first year. but, when the kids are in school, every moment becomes so important. being able to see them off, having the option of surprising them and taking them out to lunch once a month, picking them up after school and giving them a snack, helping with their homework, being involved with their education... this all seems so important to me now. not that i didn't do these things before - the homework part anyways - but there was always a certain amount of disconnect there.

i'm rambling. sheesh i really ought to stop trying to deal with this stuff so late at night, when my brain is fuzzy.

here's something though - today was one of those "non busy" days - dropped cohen off at school, took the girls to kodaly class, and then came home. the girls played in the playroom, luci fell asleep... and, for the first time since luci was born, i took a lovely nap on the couch, basking in the sunshine. it was incredible, and did amazing things for my spirit. a nap. a random, unplanned, untimed nap.

i could get used to that. of course, no time on the weekends now, what with hockey...

m.