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Still trying to figure it out.
I'm frustrated! I feel like I've been having this identity crisis for the last year or 5. The problem is, I've always been this way - interested in too many things, able to morph into many different roles.
But this is too much! I just can't be everything to everyone. But how, oh how, do I prioritize? The thing is, I never, ever go halfway with anything. I can't. It's just not who I am. Which leaves me trying to be 10 different things, 100% of the time.
Can't do it.
It's really making me crazy right now. I want to be the mom that is there for their kids 100% - makes them a hot breakfast, drives them to school, makes them a decent lunch, picks them up from school, drives them to their stuff, helps them with their homework and music practice, plays with them, reads to them, etc etc.
Problem being? 1) I have to work and 2) I have to work. Confused? 1) I have to work because we're drowing in stupid student-loan debt and 2) I have to work because when my brain isn't challenged, I go crazy.
More problems - with 3 kids now, daycare in Calgary is stupid. I would say 80% of places I've looked into won't take kids under the age of 3. The other 20% charge a stupid amount for it - like, $1200/mth - so that not only do you feel guilty for leaving your baby with someone, you feel EXTRA guilty because you're essentially working JUST TO PAY someone else to care for your child.
Can't afford to stay home, can't afford to work. What's a mom to do? I KNOW! Start her own home-based-business! Yay! Brilliant!
OK, did that. Yup. And I have a GREAT feeling about it - but I also know that it will be 2-3 years before I have enough steady work to show a significant profit. And oh yeah, did I mention, I'll probably have to work 10-12 hours 6 days/week for the first year. Which, of course, I can't do, because I'll be at my full-time job, working in order to finance my fledgling business and to have some stranger raise my children.
I LOVE work. I LOVE IT! Some days, just for fun, I think it would be amazing to have Ian be a stay-at-home dad. I could work to my hearts content and not feel guilty, right?
HA! I'm a woman! I'm born feeling guilty! No way could I hand off the role of primary caregiver. Nope. Couldn't handle that.
So, what's the answer? Part-time job? Full-time job? Home-business? Stay-at-home mom? Huh? It SUCKS that I spent so much of my maternity leave trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I TRIED to just sit back and enjoy it - and I did, for the first 3 months or so, but honestly, since then not a day has gone by where I haven't felt this stupid ticking clock hanging over me.
Heck, maybe I should have another baby just to buy some more time. JUST KIDDING!
Someone, help me out here! I'm drowning in self-doubt and guilt and confusion. I keep telling myself that the answer will become clear, it will all work itself out... but the awful truth of the matter is, when I collapse into bed at night and close my eyes, I immediately imagine a scene that I think I long for the most - the image of suburbia, a street filled with stay-at-home moms, sunshine and green grass, home-made lemonade, sprinklers, recipe-exchanges, best friend neighbors, etc etc etc.
Seriously. I love to work, but take me back to a time when my work ethic could be applied to raising children, keeping a clean and organized house, and making delicious meals, and I think I'd be in heaven.
I'm just sayin'. Maybe things weren't that bad.
All right.
3 comments:
OK, I don't really have an answer for you because I have some of the same problems. I've been reading lots of books about the "simplicity" movement -- how people are scaling back to get more time for the things that they love. The line that sticks in my head is that we have traded time for things. Well, I want my time back. Not that I have it, but I'm thinking through how to get it back.
One thing that is helping in my identity crisis is that I am taking a course in journal writing. Awesome. The great part is that it has forced me to take time to thing about myself and do writing exercises which help work through this stuff. One was a list of things that gave me energy and things that took it away. Everything about my job is in the "take away" column...
Well, like I said, I have no answers. But you're a writer, maybe journaling will help. I can send you a list of good books.
Mary you poor thing. I'm having a hard enough time with my own identity crisis' and I don't even have kids. I can't IMAGINE how the difficulty multiplies when you're dealing with finding your 'you' while taking care of, well...little you's.
I'm amazed by your efforts and proud of your accomplishments. Starting up your own business is damn hard, and you've managed to do it very quickly and efficiently. I have no doubt it's going to be a huge success.
You've also made me realize that I shouldn't take this freedom for granted. I'm free to choose who I want to be without much risk, and I still complain about it. So thanks for putting things into perspective, and I'll continue the fight without whining (too much) about it :)
Keep at 'er! YOU CAN DO IT!
Nancy I would love a list of books. I used to be HUGE into journaling - I've kept a "diary" since I was 8 or so. And I kept a journal for Cohen and Lili when they were really little (i.e. before they were big enough to keep me too busy to write). I've already let some things go this year, but I fear that I've only skimmed the top, and more cuts are coming!
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